CHALLENGE- Gratitude For What Was Taken?

When your heart is broken, is it possible to be thankful for what was taken? This excerpt, written by Kathleen O'Hara, discusses gratitude.


"Everything Taken"

Gratitude is being thankful not only for what was given, but what has been taken, too. At first, this sounds really odd. Why would you be grateful for what has been taken? Surely that goes against everything we know and feel. But think about it - even though someone has been taken, weren't they first given to you?

In other words, you cannot lose something or someone you once had. All those moments are still there, within you, in memories perhaps as fresh as the reality when they were forged. Therefore, you did at one time have the joy of that person, and for that you can be grateful.

Very often, the thing that brings us pain is the thing that once brought us joy. Would you have refused the gift of love from someone simply because it bears the risk of being taken away?

No, we accept the gift of love, knowing that sometimes it will bring us great suffering. And sometimes, it is that very suffering that makes us love more. So when you think of what has been taken away, try to keep in mind that there is another side of the coin; gratitude that what we loved had existed at all.
Kathleen O'Hara
(Kathleen writes about violent death and the ramifications of having to deal with the legal system. She is a grief therapist. Her college age son was murdered in 1999.)

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LOSS: Who Understands This Pain?

Soon or later we all experience loss. Yet, it is a solitary experience. It is nearly physical in it's depth of pain. Do we all experience the same thing? When someone says, "Nobody understands the pain I feel or the suffering I've been through", it is hard to disagree. We don't know.

Yet that person could never know the pain associated with our loss. We are unique, yet similar. The person we were before the loss of our child and how we have responded to this loss makes each person's story individual. Perhaps that is why suffering such a loss feels like such a lonely experience. Nobody can go through it for us.

In the midst of tragedy, shock often renders us senseless. Like tumbleweeds in the desert, the wind blows us this way and that; accepting invitations, turning down invitations, putting up a good front one day and collapsing privately another, trying to express thanks for the out pour of love yet finding it difficult to find the energy or train of thought to carry through. We roll aimlessly along this new path until a quietness settles in; the quietness of a new reality. With that emerges a new definition of the future and the time to consider the choices that lie ahead.

How we choose to go through loss makes us unique. We are forced into the darkness alone, but there are forks long the path of darkness. We can choose brokenness and despair or we can choose community.

The path of isolation offers the promise of continued darkness and loneliness. The path through community is more brightly lit yet choices present themselves. We may encounter others along this path who share a brokenness that feeds on the darkness and despair. Others search for hope.

Community also includes old friends, new friends, family and places of comfort. Those who are committed to more than a sympathy card; who have not lost a child but deep down inside a 'voice' speaks to them. Privately they give thanks that this sort of loss has passed them by, and that 'voice' encourages them to reach out.

No, nobody will ever understand another person's unique pain resulting from the death of their child. Perhaps that is not necessary. As a parent, perhaps it is the choices we make as we travel this journey which will define the most valuable understanding.
-Marsha Abbott

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SORROW and Expected Recovery

"If the present moment threatens to remain permanently barren, then sorrow can easily turn into despair." -Kurt Laughlin

Can anyone really expect to recover from the tragedy of losing a child, considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss?

Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same.

There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will, and must include the pain of the past with it.

Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper.

But this depth of sorrow is the sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul. It does not have to be morbid and fatalistic. It is not something to escape but something to embrace. Sorrow indicates that people who have suffered loss truly understand the emotional anguish of others who feel pain.

Sorrow enlarges the soul until the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the world's pain and hoping for the world's healing at the same time.

Deep sorrow often has the effect of stripping us of pretense, vanity, and waste. It forces us to ask questions about what is most important in life. It causes us to look around us and develop an intense appreciation for those in our lives who strive to connect with us, who on a deep level understand this most basic loss.

Suffering can lead to a simpler life, less cluttered with non-essentials. It is wonderfully clarifying. That is why many people who suffer sudden and severe loss often become transformed. Loss invites us to ask basic questions about ourselves. "What do I believe?". "What has happened to my child?" It strips away the 'bumpers of life' that formerly ricocheted us away from subjects we didn't want to fully consider and allows us to crash headlong into deep introspection.

"I'm not sure we ever recover from such a loss, but we have been given an opportunity to see life from a new perspective. It will require a type of sacrifice of believing that, however painful our losses, life can and will still be good, but good in a new way. I lost the world I loved and I hope to gain a new purpose in life. I seek, through time, to clarify that purpose. For my son, I promise to begin that journey."

Grief and the Holidays. Is Sadness Coming Down Your Chimney?

The holiday season ushers in twinkling lights, snowflakes falling, the gift of love, merrymakers, glitter and packages tied up with string...but for many, their 'favorite thing' is not a 'thing' at all.

Whether this is the first holiday season without your child, the second, third or tenth, it would not be unusual to collapse on the floor in the middle of the decor and find yourself in a pool of tears. There are many 'triggers' that can set off this response during the season of light.

All the positive thinking in the world does not mend a broken hearted loss. But, the active search for hope can help form perspective, remind us that there is so much more beyond this earthly existence, and help us through rough moments. The truth is, when we need to cry...we NEED to cry.

Like the walls of a dam restraining water, there are times when our flood gates need to open to relieve the pressure. For most, the gates of mourning open at regular intervals, releasing tears of love and loss. This is normal.

Be gentle with yourself this holiday season. There is no need to prove you are healed by putting bells on your toes and prancing like a reindeer. The following is a list of tips to help keep your season manageable.

Parent's 12 Reminders At Christmas:

1) Decorate a little or as much as you like. Your decision about how much to do will likely change throughout the years.

2) Remember to consider how your child would like you to spend the holidays, had they been here to give you their opinion.

3) Consider doing something in memory of your child, (like donating a gift or food to help a child or family in need) this holiday season.

4) Received cards with brag letters in them? Toss the letters and enjoy the picture on the front of the card.

5) Give. Give cookies, bread, tea, time to someone who has been there for you.

6) If your child is buried nearby, take a wreath, tiny tree, or choose a heartfelt 'gift' to take to your child's grave.

7) Read a book that helps your heart. (see reading list on the info page or choose a wonderful story you've been meaning to read)

8) Online shopping is stress free, easy, and removes you from the hustle and bustle. (most offer free shipping)

9) Outreach. One of the most healing things to do when we are hurting is to reach out. An organization in need or volunteers, your church, a hospital all need volunteers to help those who are sick, hungry and in need. The best way to receive is to give.

10) Forgive those who don't understand your pain. Hug those who do. Your perspective about life has likely changed since the loss of your child. Remember, that other's perspectives likely hasn't.

11) Suspend former traditions until you feel up to it again. Suspending means you have given yourself the permission to return to them at some time in the future.

12) Contemplate the reason for the season. Whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs, a spiritual journey has likely begun.

It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.

-Marsha Abbott

ATTITUDE Matters

Grief and attitude are two different things. It is important to distinguish between the two in order to begin taking steps toward a future after losing a child. Grief is the broken hearted place of loss, irreparable and empty. Attitude represents the way in which we take our loving memories and fill the cup of spiritual connection as we move along the altered path of our daily lives. -Grief Story(1)

Dr. Masaru Emoto has conducted thousands of experiments with water crystals showing that the mind's attitude affects how water crystallizes when frozen. In one example Dr. Emoto put water from the same source into two bottles. He wrote the words "You Fool" on a label and taped it to one of the bottles. He wrote the words 'Thank You' on a second label and taped that label to the second bottle.

Dr Emoto then froze the water from each bottle and photographed the crystals that were formed using a microscope and camera. The result was that the crystals formed from water taken from the bottle with "You Fool' on it were grotesque and misshapen. The crystals formed from water taken from the bottle with 'Thank You" written on it were beautiful and symmetrical, like snowflakes.

"We must assume it wasn't the printed words that influenced the water; it was the minds of the people who wrote and read the words. We know that because the symbols on the labels were just ink stains on a flat surface with no meaning except to people; the writer's and reader's minds created meaning from the ink marks." (2)

These experiments have now been performed many times using different sources of water and different treatments. In all circumstances, when a loving, compassionate, gentle attitude or melodious sound is focused on the water, beautiful crystals form when the water is frozen. When harsh, depressing, negative, hateful attitudes or cacophonous sounds are focused on the water, the frozen crystals are misshapen and grotesque.( see video of crystals and commentary)

Our minds influence our physical world. The journey we face after the loss of a precious child begins in a very dark place. This darkness can appear at various times throughout a day, a week, or an hour. Lighting a candle in our hearts to shed brightness into this cavern of darkness is a healing analogy synonymous with 'creating' our own beautiful crystal of thought; linking us to all that is good.

The energy of our soul communicates through vibration. Making time each day to foster positive loving thoughts will create beautiful crystals of connection and love. This is the definition of prayer/meditation.

Consider taking time to create a beautiful crystal of thought and send it to those you love both in heaven and on earth.
-Marsha

(1)Grief Story -excepts from personal journal
(2)Craig Hogan

Trying To Find My Holiday SMILE

Grief is a heavy emotion, one that brings energy to a very low position. It places a block around a survivor that makes it very hard for loved ones on the other side to penetrate.

When people are grieving they want more than anything to have some type of contact with a loved one who has passed. The problem is, they do not realize what they are doing is the exact opposite of what is needed. For a soul to be able to communicate with others, those people need to be at a higher level, which can be achieved with being positive. Once they are capable of searching for positive memories, positive thoughts, then a stronger connection can be made. (blogger's note: be cognisant of groups or situations in which the reoccurring theme is desperation, darkness,depression)

It is certainly natural to be heavy-hearted for ourselves when we are used to having a physical-to-physical relationship with someone, but once a person passes a new relationship begins - that of being physical-to-spirit. It is up to you how much you want to develop this relationship.

It is important to grieve, but the important thing is to search for happiness and positivity along the way. By doing so, you are lifting the heavy blanket of sadness away from you, allowing your loved ones on the other side (heaven) to connect with you in ways you never thought possible!
-by Patrick Mathews

Bereavement4Breakfast note: The Holiday season can be one of the most difficult for those who grieve the loss of a child. There is no sugarcoating or smiling that will make everything okay. Memories, the loss of a future, and heartache are constant companions. This piece, written by Patrick Mathews, is a perspective worthy of considering for those who feel their child's soul/spirit continues to live. The timeline in which grieving parents are ready to consider a point of view such is this is individual. Blessings to you this Holiday Season. -Marsha @ A New Journey