Susan Cohen's daughter Theo, at age twenty, was murdered by the terrorists who blew up Pan Am Flight 103 in 1988. (From Rage Makes Me Strong, Time Magazine, July 29, 1996)
The very phrase 'grief process' tells it all. Bland, neutral words that have nothing to do with my personal hell. The grief therapists I encountered at first were no better than the books.
There was the rabbit-eyed, frightened individual who would cower behind his desk when I was in his office and who told me to adopt a child. I couldn't even look at children then. There was the tough therapist who told me to get back into the flow of life quickly and encouraged me to get on a plane well before I was ready. My trip to the airport left me a crumpled wreck in the parking lot. There was the grief group therapist who told me she was worried about my anger, that I should open my heart. Well, my heart was open, all right. It was an open, bleeding wound. I didn't need cliches. Most of all, I didn't need anyone telling me there was something wrong with the enormous rage I was feeling. My daughter dies in a mass murder, and I'm not supposed to feel anger?
I am skeptic by inclination, a fighter by nature, and it was beginning to dawn on me that there were a lot of people making a lot of money promoting denial and passivity. Of all the emotions I have felt since Theo's murder, anger is the best. Rage give me energy. Rage makes me strong.
-Susan Cohen
Suppressing emotions to 'benefit' others or to prove that we are handling things well, for me, represents the antithesis of going through loss honestly. Perhaps there are parts of each person's loss that have been 'shielded' for public consumption, but nevertheless, eat at your soul as you remain quiet? This may not be true for all bereaved parents, but I would guess it rings true for some.
ReplyDeleteAttached to my loss is a stabbing pain received after my daughter's death. I have dutifully remained silent, but like a teapot simmering on the stove, it is likely that the boil will begin at some point. I respect Susan Cohen for being honest in this piece.
~Marsha
I think of that mother and wonder what family members of those murdered on 9/11 are thinking as people discuss whether a mosque should be built so near the site of those murders.
ReplyDeleteSometimes there is much more added on to the loss of a child than their death. Much more hurt can be piled on, and nobody steps up to say, "This is wrong!" Her rage was valid probably helped her keep from going crazy. I would be interested in hearing her perspective now, after years have gone by.
-Kim