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Monday, December 20, 2010

CHALLENGE- Gratitude For What Was Taken?


When your heart is broken, is it possible to be thankful for what was taken? This excerpt, written by Kathleen O'Hara, discusses gratitude.


"Everything Taken"


Gratitude is being thankful not only for what was given, but what has been taken, too. At first, this sounds really odd. Why would you be grateful for what has been taken? Surely that goes against everything we know and feel. But think about it - even though someone has been taken, weren't they first given to you?

In other words, you cannot lose something or someone you once had. All those moments are still there, within you, in memories perhaps as fresh as the reality when they were forged. Therefore, you did at one time have the joy of that person, and for that you can be grateful.

Very often, the thing that brings us pain is the thing that once brought us joy. Would you have refused the gift of love from someone simply because it bears the risk of being taken away?

No, we accept the gift of love, knowing that sometimes it will bring us great suffering. And sometimes, it is that very suffering that makes us love more. So when you think of what has been taken away, try to keep in mind that there is another side of the coin; gratitude that what we loved had existed at all.
Kathleen O'Hara
(Kathleen writes about violent death and the ramifications of having to deal with the legal system. She is a grief therapist. Her college age son was murdered in 1999.)


Visit Facebook: A New Journey, for quotes, links, and articles of hope regarding the loss of a child.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

LOSS: Who Understands This Pain?


Soon or later we all experience loss. Yet, it is a solitary experience. It is nearly physical in it's depth of pain. Do we all experience the same thing? When someone says, "Nobody understands the pain I feel or the suffering I've been through", it is hard to disagree. We don't know.

Yet that person could never know the pain associated with our loss. We are unique, yet similar. The person we were before the loss of our child and how we have responded to this loss makes each person's story individual. Perhaps that is why suffering such a loss feels like such a lonely experience. Nobody can go through it for us.

In the midst of tragedy, shock often renders us senseless. Like tumbleweeds in the desert, the wind blows us this way and that; accepting invitations, turning down invitations, putting up a good front one day and collapsing privately another, trying to express thanks for the out pour of love yet finding it difficult to find the energy or train of thought to carry through. We roll aimlessly along this new path until a quietness settles in; the quietness of a new reality. With that emerges a new definition of the future and the time to consider the choices that lie ahead.

How we choose to go through loss makes us unique. We are forced into the darkness alone, but there are forks long the path of darkness. We can choose brokenness and despair or we can choose community.

The path of isolation offers the promise of continued darkness and loneliness. The path through community is more brightly lit yet choices present themselves. We may encounter others along this path who share a brokenness that feeds on the darkness and despair. Others search for hope.

Community also includes old friends, new friends, family and places of comfort. Those who are committed to more than a sympathy card; who have not lost a child but deep down inside a 'voice' speaks to them. Privately they give thanks that this sort of loss has passed them by, and that 'voice' encourages them to reach out.

No, nobody will ever understand another person's unique pain resulting from the death of their child. Perhaps that is not necessary. As a parent, perhaps it is the choices we make as we travel this journey which will define the most valuable understanding.
-Marsha Abbott

Visit Facebook: A New Journey, for quotes, links, and articles of hope regarding the loss of a child.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

SORROW and Expected Recovery


"If the present moment threatens to remain permanently barren, then sorrow can easily turn into despair." -Kurt Laughlin

Can anyone really expect to recover from the tragedy of losing a child, considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss?

Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same.

There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will, and must include the pain of the past with it.

Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper.

But this depth of sorrow is the sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul. It does not have to be morbid and fatalistic. It is not something to escape but something to embrace. Sorrow indicates that people who have suffered loss truly understand the emotional anguish of others who feel pain.

Sorrow enlarges the soul until the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the world's pain and hoping for the world's healing at the same time.

Deep sorrow often has the effect of stripping us of pretense, vanity, and waste. It forces us to ask questions about what is most important in life. It causes us to look around us and develop an intense appreciation for those in our lives who strive to connect with us, who on a deep level understand this most basic loss.

Suffering can lead to a simpler life, less cluttered with non-essentials. It is wonderfully clarifying. That is why many people who suffer sudden and severe loss often become transformed. Loss invites us to ask basic questions about ourselves. "What do I believe?". "What has happened to my child?" It strips away the 'bumpers of life' that formerly ricocheted us away from subjects we didn't want to fully consider and allows us to crash headlong into deep introspection.

"I'm not sure we ever recover from such a loss, but we have been given an opportunity to see life from a new perspective. It will require a type of sacrifice of believing that, however painful our losses, life can and will still be good, but good in a new way. I lost the world I loved and I hope to gain a new purpose in life. I seek, through time, to clarify that purpose. For my son, I promise to begin that journey."

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Grief and the Holidays. Is Sadness Coming Down Your Chimney?


The holiday season ushers in twinkling lights, snowflakes falling, the gift of love, merrymakers, glitter and packages tied up with string...but for many, their 'favorite thing' is not a 'thing' at all.

Whether this is the first holiday season without your child, the second, third or tenth, it would not be unusual to collapse on the floor in the middle of the decor and find yourself in a pool of tears. There are many 'triggers' that can set off this response during the season of light.

All the positive thinking in the world does not mend a broken hearted loss. But, the active search for hope can help form perspective, remind us that there is so much more beyond this earthly existence, and help us through rough moments. The truth is, when we need to cry...we NEED to cry.

Like the walls of a dam restraining water, there are times when our flood gates need to open to relieve the pressure. For most, the gates of mourning open at regular intervals, releasing tears of love and loss. This is normal.

Be gentle with yourself this holiday season. There is no need to prove you are healed by putting bells on your toes and prancing like a reindeer. The following is a list of tips to help keep your season manageable.

Parent's 12 Reminders At Christmas:

1) Decorate a little or as much as you like. Your decision about how much to do will likely change throughout the years.

2) Remember to consider how your child would like you to spend the holidays, had they been here to give you their opinion.

3) Consider doing something in memory of your child, (like donating a gift or food to help a child or family in need) this holiday season.

4) Received cards with brag letters in them? Toss the letters and enjoy the picture on the front of the card.

5) Give. Give cookies, bread, tea, time to someone who has been there for you.

6) If your child is buried nearby, take a wreath, tiny tree, or choose a heartfelt 'gift' to take to your child's grave.

7) Read a book that helps your heart. (see reading list on the info page or choose a wonderful story you've been meaning to read)

8) Online shopping is stress free, easy, and removes you from the hustle and bustle. (most offer free shipping)

9) Outreach. One of the most healing things to do when we are hurting is to reach out. An organization in need or volunteers, your church, a hospital all need volunteers to help those who are sick, hungry and in need. The best way to receive is to give.

10) Forgive those who don't understand your pain. Hug those who do. Your perspective about life has likely changed since the loss of your child. Remember, that other's perspectives likely hasn't.

11) Suspend former traditions until you feel up to it again. Suspending means you have given yourself the permission to return to them at some time in the future.

12) Contemplate the reason for the season. Whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs, a spiritual journey has likely begun.

It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.


-Marsha Abbott

Monday, December 6, 2010

ATTITUDE Matters


Grief and attitude are two different things. It is important to distinguish between the two in order to begin taking steps toward a future after losing a child. Grief is the broken hearted place of loss, irreparable and empty. Attitude represents the way in which we take our loving memories and fill the cup of spiritual connection as we move along the altered path of our daily lives. -Grief Story(1)

Dr. Masaru Emoto has conducted thousands of experiments with water crystals showing that the mind's attitude affects how water crystallizes when frozen. In one example Dr. Emoto put water from the same source into two bottles. He wrote the words "You Fool" on a label and taped it to one of the bottles. He wrote the words 'Thank You' on a second label and taped that label to the second bottle.

Dr Emoto then froze the water from each bottle and photographed the crystals that were formed using a microscope and camera. The result was that the crystals formed from water taken from the bottle with "You Fool' on it were grotesque and misshapen. The crystals formed from water taken from the bottle with 'Thank You" written on it were beautiful and symmetrical, like snowflakes.

"We must assume it wasn't the printed words that influenced the water; it was the minds of the people who wrote and read the words. We know that because the symbols on the labels were just ink stains on a flat surface with no meaning except to people; the writer's and reader's minds created meaning from the ink marks." (2)

These experiments have now been performed many times using different sources of water and different treatments. In all circumstances, when a loving, compassionate, gentle attitude or melodious sound is focused on the water, beautiful crystals form when the water is frozen. When harsh, depressing, negative, hateful attitudes or cacophonous sounds are focused on the water, the frozen crystals are misshapen and grotesque.( see video of crystals and commentary)

Our minds influence our physical world. The journey we face after the loss of a precious child begins in a very dark place. This darkness can appear at various times throughout a day, a week, or an hour. Lighting a candle in our hearts to shed brightness into this cavern of darkness is a healing analogy synonymous with 'creating' our own beautiful crystal of thought; linking us to all that is good.

The energy of our soul communicates through vibration. Making time each day to foster positive loving thoughts will create beautiful crystals of connection and love. This is the definition of prayer/meditation.

Consider taking time to create a beautiful crystal of thought and send it to those you love both in heaven and on earth.
-Marsha

(1)Grief Story -excepts from personal journal
(2)Craig Hogan

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Trying To Find My Holiday SMILE


Grief is a heavy emotion, one that brings energy to a very low position. It places a block around a survivor that makes it very hard for loved ones on the other side to penetrate.

When people are grieving they want more than anything to have some type of contact with a loved one who has passed. The problem is, they do not realize what they are doing is the exact opposite of what is needed. For a soul to be able to communicate with others, those people need to be at a higher level, which can be achieved with being positive. Once they are capable of searching for positive memories, positive thoughts, then a stronger connection can be made. (blogger's note: be cognisant of groups or situations in which the reoccurring theme is desperation, darkness,depression)

It is certainly natural to be heavy-hearted for ourselves when we are used to having a physical-to-physical relationship with someone, but once a person passes a new relationship begins - that of being physical-to-spirit. It is up to you how much you want to develop this relationship.

It is important to grieve, but the important thing is to search for happiness and positivity along the way. By doing so, you are lifting the heavy blanket of sadness away from you, allowing your loved ones on the other side (heaven) to connect with you in ways you never thought possible!
-by Patrick Mathews

Bereavement4Breakfast note: The Holiday season can be one of the most difficult for those who grieve the loss of a child. There is no sugarcoating or smiling that will make everything okay. Memories, the loss of a future, and heartache are constant companions. This piece, written by Patrick Mathews, is a perspective worthy of considering for those who feel their child's soul/spirit continues to live. The timeline in which grieving parents are ready to consider a point of view such is this is individual. Blessings to you this Holiday Season. -Marsha @ A New Journey

Monday, November 15, 2010

She's Gone. Is The Door Forever Locked?


The loss of a child catapults a parent into a dark sorrowful place. It is touted as the darkest loss of all. The journey through this darkeness occurs in small steps. Each parent, though unable to bring their child back, will be presented with choices along this road. As time progresses those choices will become more and more evident. -Marsha Abbott

I have been blessed with great joys. Through the birth of my two daughters I have had glimpses of heaven. I can attest to the life altering experience that birth bestows upon parent. The unalterable change in becoming, ‘less about you’ and more about something ‘much bigger’ than you. Some people call it growing up. Unlike most parents I also understand the raw and helpless despair of receiving a phone call that your daughter has been killed.

I am her mother. The tears I shed are for my aching loss and the loss for her father and sister. The loss of a future with her. As I kneel in church on Sunday my thoughts often spin. I am reminded that on a spiritual level my daughter still lives. Her soul and spirit will never die.

I feel her spirit, her presence and her love each day. There are no more daily phone calls from her, asking for recipe ideas, telling me about funny things that happened in the bakery where she was working, telling me stories about her new puppy, telling me she missed me, and asking about her dad and sister. Now I make the phone calls to her through meditation and prayer.

I am greatly challenged between the spiritual side of me, who recognizes that my daughter will always surround me and the ‘mama’ side,….who lost her sweet daughter and cannot fix it. Can grief be paralyzing? Yes. Sometimes it burns in my chest and screams to me “Your child has been ripped from your womb”. Such a unfixable gut wrenching vacancy. Memories of that little toddler with curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, a sippy cup and band aids on her knees flood my thoughts and flow through my tear ducts.

Often, I can feel her reaching out to me. I’ve become sensitive to signs that she is in my midst. I think about what she would want if she saw us grieving and horribly lost without her. I know she would want to comfort those who miss her so dearly. She would want her sister to know that she is okay and that her parents will be okay. She would want all of us to speak of her, share memories, be comforted, and seek happiness. I believe that when a child dies, a part of you dies too. We must redefine our lives and accept that our child has gone ahead of us in the wrong order. We were suppose to go first.

I believe that God represents the light and love of the world. He loves us enough to send our spirit into this world through the physical body to learn and to give others an opportunity to grow through our relationships with one another. We are here for a purpose. She was here for a purpose. Sometimes our purpose can be to assist others on their journey. When we return to the spiritual realm, we leave the physical body behind and continue to grow in love. We will meet again in the spiritual realm of the positive energy we call Heaven. This is what consoles my heart, and it is the reason I can give thanks and celebrate my earthly blessings; namely my family.

There is much more to our existence than this 3-dimensional earthly world. Many are believers and ‘some’ of us, through an unthinkable tragedy, are forced to accept that our worst fear has come true. Along with this ‘realization’ is the opportunity to further investigate the spiritual doors which may have been locked up until now. A large ring of keys has been given to those who have lost a child. The task lies ahead.


Marsha lost her 19 year old daughter in a gun accident, Sept '09. She maintains a Facebook wall titled A New Journey, for grieving parents. She also writes a blog titled, Bereavement For Breakfast. http://bereavement4breakfast.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Joy? What Joy? My three letter word is WHY?


Is is possible to find joy after the death of a child? Kathleen O'Hara writes about that 3-letter word in her book, A Grief Like No Other.

Joy is an elusive quality, one everyone seems to want but few people have. Often, joy comes only after the struggle, not before. It is not something you can buy or borrow, but rather something that comes directly out of pain and sorrow.

Joy is the sister of hope. Joy follows the long labor of childbirth; it is springtime after the harsh winter and eternity after the brief breath of life.

For those who have survived the death of a child, the jackals indeed roam. Our lives are desolate and our hearts are sick. How can we be joyful when such awful things have happened to us and those we love?

An even greater tragedy would be to allow the loss to keep us from joy; then truly, it has destroyed us. Even if you do not feel joy now, believe that, in the future it will come, but you must allow it.
-Written by Kathleen O'Hara

Blogger's note: This passage is a hard one to swallow after such devestating loss. It haunts me because there is a part of my heart and soul that says, "Life has been irreparably altered. I can't fix this by skipping around like a school girl searching for 'joy' and all of her cheery friends." True. It is unfixable and I'm not looking for a bandaid. For me, the deeper meaning relates to the choices I make. Each and every day I can choose to look at what my daughter would want for me to do and open myself up to little pieces of joy or I can turn my back on what she would want and live in the darkness that so willingly befriended me. My choice is to be 'open' to the possibility. I think that is good enough for now.
-Marsha

Monday, November 8, 2010

THAT'S Something To Think About!


‎"Larger numbers of people are becoming increasingly compassionate and 'other-centered', even as society remains self-absorbed and materialistic. It seems that the design of the universe is such that we are evolving toward spiritual maturity, not toward physical prowess and intellectual self-centeredness that dominates through devious cleverness. We are evolving in a way that would make Darwin rollover in his grave if he was there. But, he's not." -Craig Hogan

Saturday, November 6, 2010

2005 Study Shows 76% of Physicians Believe In An Afterlife


Doctors and hospice workers spend inordinate amounts of time with children and adults who pass. Many have shared their extraordinary experiences with death. Additionally, much research has been done on near-death-experiences as well as the ability of certain individuals to communicate with those who've crossed from this plane to the next.

In 2005 a survey of physicians found that 76 percent believe in God and 59 percent believe in some sort of afterlife. (footnote 1) Interestingly, among members of the National Academy of Sciences in the physical sciences, most of whom work with only matter and energy (not people, life, and death), 79 percent do not believe in God( footnote 2). That discrepancy between the beliefs of professionals who work with people, life, and death, and those who work with matter and energy only only suggests that a reason for skepticism among some of the herd of skeptics is simply from not being exposed to the realities of life after death.

Some striking examples of physicians whose experiences and research have confirmed the reality of the afterlife follow:


1. Dr. Janis Amatuzio
- a practitioner in forensic medicine for nearly 25 years, has come to be known as the 'compassionate coroner'. In her work, she has heard extraordinary stories from grieving family member, patients near death, police officers, clergy, and colleagues - stories of the spiritual and otherworldly experiences concerning the transition between life and death.

2. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross- An internationally renowned physician, author, speaker, and expert on death and dying, receiving 20 honorary degrees for her achievements. She was included in the International Biographical Centre's list of the foremost women of the twentieth century. She said,"Many people are beginning to be aware that the physical body is only the house or temple, or as we call it the cocoon, which we inhabit for a certain number of months or years until we make the transition called death. Then, at the time of death, we shed this cocoon and are once again as free as a butterfly to used the symbolic language that we use when talking to dying children and their siblings.

3. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, - A physician turned writer. Most remembered as the Creator of Sherlock Holmes stories. He became a strong believer of the afterlife in 1886.

4. Dr. Enrico Morselli - Italian neurologist, Director of the Clinic of Nervous and Mental Disease at the University of Genoa began an investigation of the afterlife and became a believer.

5. Dr. Gustave Geley - Professor of medicine at the University of Lyon, studied evidence for the afterlife and gave up his practice to become the director of the Institute Metaphysichique International in Paris.

6. Dr. T.Glen Hamilton - A graduate of Manitoba Medical College, Hamilton had a private medical practice while teaching clinical surgery at Winnepeg General Hospital. He became interested in psychic phenomena after experiences with patients and conducted extensive studies on Canadian mediums.

7. Dr. Barbara R. Rommer - A founding member of the Hold Cross Medical Group in For Lauderdale, Rommer practiced medicine from 1974 until her death in 2004. She was a researcher of near-death experiences, authoring two books on the subject, including Blessing in Disguise, published in 2000.

8. Dr. Robert Bridges - a physician who became poet laureate of England, wrote, "Man is a spiritual being; the proper work of his mind is to interpret the world according to his highest nature, to conquer the material aspects of the world so as to bring them into subjugation to the spirit."

Distinguished Scientists Who Became Convinced Of The Reality Of The Afterlife Through Study:

Ron D. Pearson (engineer thermodynamics), Dr. Jan Vandersande (physicist, holder of three patents on thermoelectric and fluid mechanics, consultant to NASA, manager at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Thomas Alva Edison, (inventor of the phonograph and electric light bulb...was a spiritualist, Sir Joseph John Thompson (discover of the electron, professor of experimental physics at Cambridge, winner of a Nobel Prize), Professor Abdus Salam (Nobel Laureate and director of the International Centre for Theoretical Physics), Sam Nicholls (researcher into subatomic phenomena...believes that people in the afterlife are composed of slightly different atomic components, and that they exist in and share the same space with people on the Earth plane).

Those represent a partial list of Scientists who believe in the reality of an afterlife. For more information read, Your Eternal Self, by Craig Hogan. His book gives an in depth look at life after death. A 'study' of the mind, the spirit, and everlasting life. For those who want to study.

*Shared by Marsha Flynn Abbott/ A New Journey (facebook). The interview (link) of author Arthur Doyle particularly struck me. I was impressed at the historical time in which that interview took place. A time when motion pictures and home movies were so new. His collection of Sherlock Holmes stories has always been so much fun to read. (Cheers to you...dear Watson)


(1) Easton, J. C.. Survey on physicians' religious beliefs shows majority faithful. The University of Chicago Chronicle.
(2)Larson, e.J., & Witham, L. (1998) Nature, 394,313

Friday, November 5, 2010

Feeling Slammed by God and the Universe?


-Article by Barbara Rose regarding searching for solace in the midst of catastrophe.

As you look around you, perhaps you are one of the people who feel you have been slammed by the universe. Some may feel as I used to - God? What God? How could any God let this happen?

Your pleas and feelings are understandable, but they are not, however, the end of your journey. You will come to know how to achieve solace again, some measure of understanding to ease the torturous pain.

I have been there, too. When injustice felt like a perpetual life in purgatory every day. How did I come out of the shackles of the deepest despair? I wanted to know truth. I wanted to know "why" and I wrote a letter directly to God asking "Why?"

Much to my amazement, I received an answer that immediately lifted the pain. The crushing sorrow that I had come to call my daily existence was suddenly lifted. I received the higher perspective that took the place of how I was viewing the tragedy in my life.

I want this for you, too. If you are feeling shell shocked, as if your heart and soul have been blasted apart and ripped out of your chest, this is the best time to write a letter to whoever or whatever name you give to the must pure spiritual source in the universe - the source of that 'still small voice.' I call that God, and it is crucial that you get in touch with the highest spiritual truths that are behind desperate tragedy so you can come back to life and live again.

I know what it feels like to feel like a breathing corpse. I can promise you that all that is required for you to receive answers that will bring you solace is your deep desire to receive those answers.

Your request for knowledge and understanding must come from the deepest place in your heart.

Humanity cries for the loss of life, and yet what many have not fully integrated into daily knowledge is that when a person leaves this physical life, and crosses over to the other side, they are vibrantly ALIVE again!

If your loved on is on the other side, call out to him! Speak to her. Our loved ones can hear us, they actually visit us, even though we cannot physically see them because they are no longer in a physical body, but their soul, their essence, their consciousness and ALL of the love they feel for you is just as alive as you are right now.

From lifetime to lifetime we experience despair. We do not remember all we have undergone in our prior lifetimes. We do not remember learning so many lessons. This is the lifetime to bridge the gap between human catastrophe and spiritual truth.

Nothing happens in this universe that is void of energy. It is the loving energy in your heart that desires understanding that will receive exactly what you need, you just have to be willing to do so.

Receiving answers from God is far from any sort of special ability. You have been receiving answers throughout all of your life. The inner nudges that guide you to do this or that, to call or write, only for the other person to say, "I was just thinking about you!"

Our energy is felt by our loved ones no matter how near or far away they are. Whether they are on the opposite end of the earth or on the other side, our loved ones love for us remains eternal.

Take out a pen and paper and write Dear ____ (whatever name you give to God, Source, Holy Spirit) and ask from the depths of your heart what you need to know in order to feel your deepest grief lifted.

I have worked with clients whose children passed on. Understandably, they were barely alive themselves. Filled with pain that was torturous at best, they received answers, and they came back to life from the inside out.

If this process did not work, if it was not the time for you to experience this process, you would not be reading this right now. It is time for you to receive answers to your questions. Now, all you need to do is ask, and then listen within your mind to the words that flow into your mind, and write down every word verbatim. Censor nothing. Write down every word that flows into your mind. Then re-read what you wrote. When you experience actually receiving answers that are simple, yet profoundly life enhancing, please share this process with anyone who is suffering that is open to this.

It is pure. You deserve answers. Humanity must transform from the current catastrophic perspective. Those whose children have just crossed over to the other side, their children are ALIVE on the other side. Please let this view or perspective into your consciousness, because it is truth.

We all have so much more in common as a human race than our differences lead us to believe. Our hearts share the same feelings. It is time for your heart to finally know inner peace. Ask the questions with a pure heart. Listen within for the words that flow into your mind. Write down every word, then see how you feel after you have received the higher perspective. I care deeply that you feel understanding, as that is the conscious foundation of inner peace.

Barbara Rose, Ph.D. is the best selling author of thirteen books including If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer!

Resources for Grieving Parents: A New Journey (information on the left margin of blog)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

FORCED to view life differently...


-Selected remarks made by Sandy Wiltshire at the conclusion of her book, My Gift of Light. Her journey and search for meaning, after the loss of her daughter, was not only unique but interesting.

"In the book of life, every page has two sides; we human beings fill the upper side with our plans, hopes, and wishes, but providence writes on the other side, and what it ordains is seldom our goal.

Life after death will always remain a mystery to those on this side of the veil/heaven. I have learned, however,that connecting to loved ones who have crossed over to the other side can create hope at a time of greatest despair. The death of a loved one, especially the death of one of our children, forces us to search the depths of our souls for life's meaning. In the face of such devestating loss and heartache, we must devise new core values to live by.

As we search for answers, spirituality can provide a doorway to this understanding and to new hope. I know it changed my life, the way I view the world, as well as my belief system forever. (note: On her journey, Sandy learned/developed the ability to connect with her daughter. She utimately became a medium and helps grieving parents connect with their children.)

We must confront our grief, learn how to move through it, and eventually embrace the truth that because of our loss, we are forever changed. We become so transformed by the work of grieving that we awaken to the fact that events or possessions that used to be important to us no longer are. Our once-ordered life is in chaos. As a result, we open ourselves to self-exploration.

The death of a child is a death out of the natural order. As Kim's mother, I obviously expected to die before she did. The emptiness, tortuous pain, and disillusionment with life that resulted felled me. As I have repeatedly said, the magnitude of my loss turned my entire life - and my belief system - upside down. Once the natural order had been torn apart, I had no choice but to discover a new way to look at the world - a way that would return me to well-being and, someday, happiness. I chose spirituality as one of the avenues to pursue, to make sense of this sudden and devastating loss.

I take comfort in knowing we never truly stop living and that what we on the earth plane call 'death' is anything but. My understanding is that we take our characteristics, habits, and memories with us. In spirit, we are free to develop our souls. We continue to grow, remember, and love - both here on earth as well as on the other side/heaven.

My wish is that by sharing my very personal journey with you, it will aid you on your own path as it twists and turns through your loss and grief. It takes a great deal of courage to find your way back into life. You will never be the way you were before, but you will learn to live with your loss and regain your abilities to function and be happy.


My I remind you to be gentle with yourself as you look for solace. You must allow yourself to express your feeling of grief. It is important to talk about your loss, your feelings of emptiness, your anger and pain. All these emotions are a normal part of the grieving process.

I believe that our children and other loved ones on the other side of life will help us to find our way if we allow them to. The bonds of love are never severed. Love is what enables and maintains the links between our two worlds."
-Excerpts taken from My Gift Of Light by Sandy Wiltshire

Note from Marsha: I have read Sandy's book twice. The first time through (5 months ago) the whole idea of 'mediums' was an unusual thing for me. A lot has changed in my thinking since that time, hence I picked up the book again to read for a second time. This time many more things stood out for me. I believe in the connection and have pursued it.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Part 3: Questions About Heaven And My Child


Part 3... The last of a series of entries which includes questions answered by a 'medium' about life in heaven. They are answered by Concetta Bertoldi, author and medium....

WHAT IS THE BENEFIT OF DISCOVERING THE TRUTH ABOUT THE OTHER SIDE?

Understanding that life goes on
in spirit after our physical death does so many positive things for us. It heals us. It gives us peace, comfort, and knowledge to help us have better lives, learn lessons easier, live happier, and help others. It can inspire us to make changes that might be difficult because we know it really does matter. It's not just this one lifetime, the way we spend our energy has an unimaginable ripple effect in this world and the next over many lifetimes. Understanding is impportant on both sides of the veil. It affects the quality of our lives, the quality of our love, and the quality of our relationship now and always with God.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE LIVE TO AN OLD AGE AND OTHERS DIE YOUNG?

Well, first, of course,
we all are going to die. When and how is part of our destiny, and I do believe that there are reasons for things that we might not understand. I do know that this question, especially when it concerns a younger person, creates such heartache on this side. People want to know why, which is a question to be answered on the Other Side. I definitely have many of my own 'why' questions that I'm sure I will be asking all my life, even though I know I won't get the answers until I cross home. Only God knows 'why'.

DO THE DEAD KNOW THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS HERE?

It's not that happiness has to be created
in our lives. Happiness is our natural state. The difficulty is in ridding ourselves of what causes us unhappiness -- most of which is of our own doing and choosing.

You have to look at your life as if it has chapters. I was always happy. But at different times there were things going on that tried to break my happiness. It's really up to us to choose happiness. You can't expect anyone else to do it for you. We have the power to bring ourselves back after a big disappointment or a great loss. We have the power to choose.

*Note: These are the opinions of medium Concetta Bertoldi. These questions and answers are from her book, Do Dead People Watch You In The Shower. The books includes many questions/answers from across the spectrum. She consults regularly with member os Britain's royal family, American celebrities, politicians, and others. Her practice has a two-year waiting list. She lives in New Jersey with her husband.

From Marsha: I find it very moving that parents who have lost a child(ren) are open to so many points of view regarding life after death and ultimately non-judgemental with one another as they travel this road of heartbreak. I hope those in their lives (friends, relatives) can be as equally supportive. By the grace of God, we pray for healing and like the picture above, nothing can fill the hole in our hearts.

Please see the blog archive for Parts 1 & 2.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Part 2: Questions About Heaven and My Child

Part 2... of a series with questions answered by a 'medium' about life in heaven. I often receive emails (at A New Journey) asking if I would share information I find regarding mediums. This is part two of several articles on the subject. The following questions and answers are written by Concetta Bertoldi, author and medium....

DO THE LIVING HAVE CERTAIN ILLNESSES TO TEACH US CERTAIN LESSONS?
I do think that is the case,
but it's certainly not the same lesson for every person with the same disease. And sometimes the lesson is more for, or also for, the individuals surrounding the person who is ill. It's a network of shared experiences, challenges, and learning. A serious illness does not just strike someone randomly.

One thing I want to be very clear about it that an illness is never retribution for anything we did or didn't do. God is a loving God and does not mete out punishment of pain and suffering. Whatever happens to the soul, the soul has agreed to allow it in order to gain a deeper consciousness unobtainable in any other way.

The soul will not know every detail in advance of what we will go through, what turn the experience may take. And I would by lying to say that there is never a time when in the midst of the experience the soul was not wishing he could change his mind and opt out.

There is no illness on the Other Side,
so without experiencing it here they cannot possibly understand how blessed we truly are when we are with God. The fact that a soul makes this choice for spiritual growth is very different from what some have called "blame the victim," which I've heard a lot about when someone who doesn't really understand how this all works will say, 'so-and-so caused his own illness" or "it's her karma."

WHEN SOMEONE TELLS HIS PARENTS, "I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN," ACCORDING TO THE OTHER SIDE, IS THIS TRUE OR NOT?
I believe from what I've been told
that we all choose our parents, but that we do get some direction from the Other Side, it's a collective decision based on how the soul can best help over here and grow spiritually. We are born to the right people and in the right circumstances to let this life's purpose unfold through our free will and our different choices and actions. In every situation, we choose. We come here knowing to whom we'll be born, that there will be a lesson (or probably more than one!) that we will be confronted by, and/or make a contribution to. We will also be expected to help others who are also coming here. It is our choice to come here: where, when, and to whom. It's all a combination of decisions made with God and our guides on The Other Side.

WHY WOULD SOMEONE HAVE A SHORT LIFE?
Usually when we come thru
this world it is to learn something. But I believe in these cases it is to teach something. Without a doubt, a mission like that would not be given to anyone other than a very advanced or Master spirit. I can't really speak to motivation. I have to assume that a soul who has evolved to that point has a much larger understanding than we have, and the importance would not have to be explained to it.

Part #3 will contain Concetta's answers to the questions: Why do some people live to an old age and others die young? What is the benefit of discovering the truth about Heaven/The Other Side?...and more.

*Note: These are the opinions of medium Concetta Bertoldi (pictured). She consults regularly with member os Britain's royal family, American celebrities, politicians, and others. Her practice has a two-year waiting list. She lives in New Jersey with her husband.


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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest. See Blog Archive for additional articles.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Questions About Heaven And My Child


-by Marsha Abbott

Part 1... of a series with questions answered by a 'medium' about life in heaven. I often receive emails (at A New Journey) asking if I believe in mediums and/or if I would share information I find regarding mediums. This is the beginning of several articles on the subject. The following questions and answers are written by Concetta Bertoldi, author and medium....


IS THERE A HEAVEN?
Yes, the Other
Side is heaven. I don't usually use that term. I'm more likely to say paradise or just the Other Side. Until we go back it's very hard for us to even imagine it, it's more miraculous than anything we can make, believe, perform, or create on this side. I just don't think the human mind has the capacity to grasp it, even though at our deepest core we do indeed remember it.


WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
People have fears.
They've heard about going into the Light and want to know, does it hurt walking into the Light? Do we lose our memories? Is everything there that we had before?

What I've heard from souls on the Other Side is that when we die we leave our bodies behind, sort of like a floating process. It is a 'gravitation' toward the Light. There's a feeling of anticipation - maybe a little fear, but more anticipation.

Nothing is forgotten. In fact, whereas now we can remember only some highlights of our past, over there we remember every single moment and detail. Everything we knew, loved or experienced.

There is a period of transition, a time we get to reflect on our lives -- I don't feel that this is standardized in any way, it's different from individual to individual.

The true beauty of the Light (God) is that it is total harmony. Here on earth we can spend a lifetime struggling and we don't realize that we have an effect on others. It is like being in the dark but when we get over there, we get a clear view of the effect we had on others here on earth.


DO THE SOULS OF OUR LOVED ONES EVER WANT TO COME BACK TO US? ARE THEY SORRY THEY LEFT?
I have never had a soul tell me they are sorry they left. Maybe they are not entirely happy about the circumstances of their crossing, but that's something different --they don't want those they've left on this side to be upset and grieving their loss so deeply. If they left someone suffering or left someone feeling guilty, they are sorry for this.

Remember, we are not of this physical world. Ultimately we belong to the larger universe that is God. We're here in this small part of the universe to study and learn and have certain experiences that only the physical world can offer. Dying and being on the Other Side is like a summer vacation from this physical world. It's a rare child who will say that she wishes she could go back to school before September, and likewise I've never heard a soul express the wish to go back before it's her time to reincarnate. Once they are on the Other Side, they understand the journey they've just completed. They love us still. Their love lasts through eternity. But the Other Side is paradise and unlimited and they don't need to come back into physical form to be with us.

Part 2 will contain Concetta's answers to the questions: Why would someone have a short life? Do the living have certain illnesses to teach us certain lessons? Do we have a choice in who our parents will be before we are born?

*Note: These are the opinions of medium Concetta Bertoldi (pictured). She consults regularly with member os Britain's royal family, American celebrities, politicians, and others. Her practice has a two-year waiting list. She lives in New Jersey with her husband.

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One of Marsha's two daughters daughters (19 years old) was killed in a gun accident in Sept ‘09. She maintains a facebook page titled A New Journey, dedicated to helping grieving parents. She lives with her husband in the Pacific Northwest. See Blog Archive for additional articles.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Choosing to Heal


The Choice to Heal: The Five Insights

By Alvin C. Johnson, Jr.

Several years ago it became apparent to me that I was stuck in "recovering" from my son's death. Nicholas contracted leukemia in 1986 and battled the disease for nearly three years before his death in 1989.
    Seven years later, in 1996, it seemed there was no place for me to go with the continued feelings of grief—feelings which included sadness, frustration, and guilt. This was not my daily experience, but it came on periodically and occasionally crippled my ability to engage in life and work. While this was taking place I was also studying about family emotional systems process with Rabbi Ed Friedman and so I presented him with this problem. His immediate response was to suggest that I enter more deeply into my family, and somewhere in my family I would find the direction to move so I would no longer be stuck in my grief.
    Armed with this conviction, my wife and I headed to Florida in March of 1996 for several days of golf and fun with my parents. In the seven years since Nicholas had died, no one in our circle of family and friends took his death as hard as my parents. They continuously called Zachary, our second son, "Nicholas" and struggled to move forward, themselves, with this tragic loss.
    My decision was made; I'd talk to my Dad. So on the golf course one day, enjoying the beautiful sunshine and warm temperatures, I shared my struggle with him and asked how he dealt with Nick's death. His answer surprised me, but also became the cornerstone on which I continue to deal with Nick's death today. "Son," he said, "I get up each morning, sit down at my desk, and open the drawer where I have a picture of Nick. I say, 'you bugger.' I think of how much I miss him, how grateful I am for him, and then I give him into God's hands…every day." His comment afforded me one of those moments in grief recovery where insight leads to deeper healing.

    The first insight was this: I was stuck because I held to the belief that grieving has a finish line while we are alive. In reality, the only end to the pain we feel over the death of our children is our own death. The intensity subsides over time, as do other characteristics of grieving, but there is no day on which we can say we are done grieving the death of our children. While we hold to the joyful memories of our children who died, we also hold to the pain of the loss that comes from the fact that they died. Efforts to live outside that pain prove futile and frustrating. Even when you and I have worked our way through the pain to the "other side," the path we traveled leaves a clear road mark and an indelible imprint on our psychological, intellectual, emotional and spiritual memory.
    There is no going back—but there is no finish line either. The experience, with all its emotional components, remains with us all our lives. So, instead of looking for a finish line, I adopted my dad's strategy and looked at recovery from Nick's death as a 24-hour experience. There was no knowing what I'd be like three days, three months or three years from then. In fact, the future looked overwhelming. Instead, I started putting Nick in God's keeping for another day—and only one day. As I gave Nick to God, so I gave my grief to God, thereby inviting healing. Whether God is or is not in the equation for you, the key for me was realizing recovery was a 24-hour experience and when broken into daily bites became manageable.
   
     The second insight was this: I was stuck because of holding to the belief that acceptance meant that the experience of Nicholas would make rational since. It didn't then and it doesn't now. Nearly 11 years later, the death of a child still does not make sense to me. But the reality of children dying isn't for me to understand: it is for me to accept. Acceptance does not mean there is a rational explanation for why a child dies nor that I must like the reality. It simply means that the death of a child is a part of life and a part of my life. Acceptance means that the events of this fine boy's life actually did take place and I was a participant and witness to them. Acceptance means that life has moved on and will continue to move on with or without me. Acceptance means that no, time does not stop when our world comes shattering down from the death of a child. O that it would, but it does not. Acceptance is looking back and embracing what happened in order to look forward and move on.

    The third insight was this: the fact the picture was in a place that my dad visited every day inspired me to keep pictures of Nicholas in a place where I would remember him every day…and enjoy remembering him. We can keep our departed children close through the wonder of photography and other items that remind us of them. My dad struck a unique balance between those who set aside large spaces for remembrance and those who set aside no space for remembrance at all. If needed, he knew where to go in his house to be close to Nick and, therefore, to a package of complete memories. Nick had and still has a place in his emotional and spiritual home. This is highlighted daily by being able to look at his picture. Not only does Nick have a physical space, but also a space in memory. We become unstuck when we structure the means to keep the memory of our departed children close. This varies from person to person, but keeping physical reminders nearby encourages us to keep emotional, spiritual, and mental image memories nearby and accessible as well.

    The fourth insight was this: gratitude for the life of Nicholas helped muster movement against the forces of being stuck in grief. John Claypool tells a story in his book Mending the Heart about the time in his life six weeks after the death of his daughter from leukemia. He could not sleep, got up and went to read the story in Genesis 22 about Abraham and Isaac. As he read the commentary he was amazed to learn that this story of Abraham and Isaac was a story of God reminding Abraham of the gift he had received and from whom the gift came. Claypool says that from that night forward he came to see his daughter's life, though shorter than he wished, as a gift which he did not deserve and for which he desired to give gratitude. Gratitude is difficult in the midst of feeling cheated and deprived by death. However, gratitude overcomes tremendous pain and can move even the most stuck bereaved parent to new places of recovery and joy.

    The final insight was this: healing and recovery call for us to make a decision, to answer the question, "Do I want to get better or not?" One can argue that grief recovery is more complicated than answering this question. But grief recovery concerns the direction we point ourselves day in and day out. If we wish to get better we need to encourage ourselves and point ourselves that way every day; we need to surround ourselves with bereaved parents who have healed and found meaning in life again; we need to realize that no one can point us towards the healing we desire except ourselves. Ironically, the times in our lives when we least feel like making decisions are the times when we need to make them: Seek healing? Stay stuck? Recover? Die ourselves? Sometimes it does come to such simple decisions as these.
    When I studied churches that had experienced trauma, those that recovered had one principle characteristic in common: someone stood up and, from a position of leadership said, "We are going to heal and grow from this experience and embrace a new future." Most often the leader said this before knowing what direction recovery would go nor whom would help. They sought, as best they could, to point the ship in a direction that gave them the best chance of re-engaging life; choosing to get better.
    Of all the insights given to me by my dad that day, this last one continues to be the most effective. Grief stays with us for a lifetime…as long as we have our minds we cannot escape from the experience of what took place. However, each day we can point ourselves towards the vision we hold of recovery and have the faith that one day we will get there.

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Fr. Alvin Johnson, at the time he wrote this story, had served as an Episcopal Priest for over 20 years. In 1989 he and his wife Vickie became bereaved parents when their first child, Nicholas, died after a long battle with leukemia. Nicholas is survived by a sister Hannah and a brother Zachary. Fr. Johnson currently serves as Rector of St. Michael's Episcopal Church in Barrington, Illinois. He recently received his Doctor of Ministry degree in Congregational Studies focusing on the comparisons between how congregations and families recover from trauma. Fr. Johnson has spoken often at Compassionate Friends meetings and was a keynote speaker at the 23rd national TCF conference held in Chicago. He also served on TCF's National Board of Directors.  

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Bill Cosby and Pat Schweibert write about Loss...


Parents share a universal loss when their child dies. Though written as 'childrens' books, these messages are worthy for all ages. Bill Cosby also released a jazz album, Hello Friend: To Ennis With Love, to honor the memory of his son. The road to hope is filled with memories.

Tear Soup (written by Pat Schweibert), a recipe for healing after loss, is a family story book that centers around an old and somewhat wise woman, Grandy. Grandy has just suffered a big loss in her life and so she is headed to the kitchen to make a special batch of Tear Soup.

There she chooses the size pot that is right for her loss, and she puts on her apron because she knows it's going to be messy. And then Grandy starts to cry. At first she weeps, then she sobs, eventually she wails.

Slowly the pot is filled with tears as the old woman steeps away. To season her soup Grandy adds memories like the good times and the bad times, the silly and the sad times. She does not want to forget even one precious memory of her loss.

Tear Soup recognizes and reinforces the fact that every member of the family from the youngest to the oldest will grieve in their own way. Taking their own time and in doing so, find those things which help them best.

Essentially, we each make our own batch of Tear Soup when we grieve the loss of our child. Comedian, Bill Cosby, wrote a children's book called Friends of a Feather to honor the memory of his son Ennis. Ennis was murdered when he stopped to help a motorist on the side of the road.

Cosby wrote the book about friendship, loss and pain. He asked his daughter to do the artwork and wanted the bird, Feather, to have a 'smile' on it's breast to remind Bill of Ennis' smile. Artistically hidden, the smile radiates joy. -Marsha Abbott
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Reading: A form of bibliotherapy on the journey through loss and pain.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Rock Star Eric Clapton Talks About Losing His Son


We live our lives assuming the daily tasks, chores and encounters will be the high or lowlights of the day. Our personal challenges occupy our thoughts and convince us that these are the greatest difficulties we'll encounter. When the phone rings with news that our child has died those previous difficulties melt away and we realize we never knew the true meaning of difficulty or loss..... Musician Eric Claption discusses the loss of his son Conor.

ERIC CLAPTON has recalled the heartache of losing his son CONOR in his new autobiography, revealing he had taken the four-year-old to the circus the night before he fell to his death from his mother's New York apartment. Clapton, who penned classic ballad Tears In Heaven after the 1991 tragedy, spent the night before his son's death enjoying his first father-son outing alone with Conor.

After taking the boy home, the rocker admits he was swelled with confidence as a father and decided he wanted to spend more one-on-one time with his son when he was in New York. In Eric Clapton: The Autobiography, Clapton writes, "The following morning I was up early, ready to walk crosstown from my hotel to pick up (Conor's mother) Lori (del Santo) and Conor to take them to the Central Park Zoo...

"The phone rang and it was Lori. She was hysterical, screaming that Conor was dead. I thought to myself, 'This is ridiculous. How can he be dead?' and I asked her the silliest question, 'Are you sure?' "And then she told me that he'd fallen out of the window. She was beside herself. Screaming. I said, 'I'll be right there.'" Conor had fallen 49 stories from a high-rise window.

In his memoirs, Clapton also recalls the horror of having to identify his son at the morgue. He adds, "Whatever physical damage he had suffered in the fall, by the time I saw him they had restored his body to some normality. "As I looked at his beautiful face in repose, I remember thinking, 'This isn't my son. It looks a bit like him, but he's gone.'"
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Link to hear song: Clapton wrote the song Tears In Heaven in memory of his son.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Daughter Killed In Pan Am Flight 103...Mother Speaks Out


Susan Cohen's daughter Theo, at age twenty, was murdered by the terrorists who blew up Pan Am Flight 103 in 1988. (From Rage Makes Me Strong, Time Magazine, July 29, 1996)

The very phrase 'grief process' tells it all. Bland, neutral words that have nothing to do with my personal hell. The grief therapists I encountered at first were no better than the books.

There was the rabbit-eyed, frightened individual who would cower behind his desk when I was in his office and who told me to adopt a child. I couldn't even look at children then. There was the tough therapist who told me to get back into the flow of life quickly and encouraged me to get on a plane well before I was ready. My trip to the airport left me a crumpled wreck in the parking lot. There was the grief group therapist who told me she was worried about my anger, that I should open my heart. Well, my heart was open, all right. It was an open, bleeding wound. I didn't need cliches. Most of all, I didn't need anyone telling me there was something wrong with the enormous rage I was feeling. My daughter dies in a mass murder, and I'm not supposed to feel anger?

I am skeptic by inclination, a fighter by nature, and it was beginning to dawn on me that there were a lot of people making a lot of money promoting denial and passivity. Of all the emotions I have felt since Theo's murder, anger is the best. Rage give me energy. Rage makes me strong.
-Susan Cohen

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sportswriter Frank Deford Writes Memoir Of His Daughter

Sportswriter and National Public Radio and television commentator Frank Deford wrote Alex, a memoir of his daughter, who died at the age of eight. (From Alex: The Life Of a Child)

I am not a nihilist or sourpuss now that Alex is dead. I still laugh and love, marvel at the wonders of humanity and praise God for His. Neither, though, am I any wiser or stronger - and certainly no better - for what I went through. People assume you must be better for the experience, but I don't see why that must follow.

Neither must you necessarily abandon your Faith. However, you do lose something every bit as important, for when your child dies, you yourself are robbed of that childish sanity that makes it tolerable to accept growing old. I don't see the incongruity of life so well anymore, because my child's death is an incongruity in itself. A capricious world is much easier to deal with than the disordered one I have been forced to inhabit.

I do find one solace. Now that it is Alex who is dead (and not me), I really don't worry anymore about my own death. Oh sure, when the plane bumps about I gasp and grab the armrest and pray fervently that it will not plunge thirty-seven thousand feet and leave me in a number of charred little bits and pieces. I would not care for that at all. But you can have an adorable little girl, and she up and dies, then a number of rules seem changed, including those of death itself. I can't be frightened to follow Alex. I am not. I mean, first, strictly from a selfish point of view, dying is the only way I can possibly be with her again. But beyond that, Alex has, in her way, reduced all my normal maunderings about God and the hereafter to one terribly simple proposition. If there is a heaven - must be a heaven -great. If not, if this incredible little person spent eight years on this earth, only to completely disappear, poof, like that, then it is all quite pointless, all a gag, and it is of no great consequence to me whether or not I'm asked to participate in life as straight man or comic.

You lose a child and are brought to your knees. From that vantage point there is a lot to consider that you may not have considered before. And what better place to be than on your knees when you begin that process.

Death of Eisenhower's Firstborn Child

Eisenhower adored his firstborn child, Doud Dwight, nicknamed "Icky". When Ike was stationed at Fort Meade, Icky was a mascot for the soldiers When four year old Icky died, leaving his parents grief-stricken, Mamie once said, "It was as if a shining light had gone out of Ike's life. Throughout all the years that followed, the memory of those bleak days was a deep inner pain, that never seemed to diminish much." Ike sent Mamie flowers every year on Icky's birthday. Thirty-five years later, Ike wrote the following in a letter of consolation to his brother Edgar when Edgar's forty-year-old son Jack died.

From the Papers Of Dwight David Eisenhower: The Presidency

It is, of course difficult to understand why so often the oldsters go on and on into their eighties and nineties, while the younger more vigorous men are cut down in their youth. There is no way to explain it except that is is one of the accidents of living. It happens with the trees and the birds and everything that grows. No individual can have any possible explanation, and therefore it is one of those things which must be accepted and absorbed into the philosophy that a man develops as he goes along.

In spite of all this...I know this it is hard for you to take, yet you owe it to those still around you- your wife, your daughter and your grandchildren - to provide an example that is characterized by hope, faith and optimism. Pessimism, cynicism and defeat will destroy Jack's legacy.

This sounds like preaching - and possibly it is. My justification is that I lost a son of my own many years ago - then only one we had. To this date it is not an easy thing to deal with when it come fresh to my memory but it is something that I had to learn to accept or to go crazy.
-Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

When The Angel Of Death Comes For Your Child


First Responders On The Scene.....
-Marsha Abbott

When the Angel of Death taps the shoulder of our child, the world stops turning. The phone call delivering incomprehensible news and a one-way ticket to the darkest depths of existence, hurls our senses into a state of shock and disbelief.

In that surreal state we are often surrounded by 'earth angels' who arrive to comfort and care for us. Whether they are friends or family, their ability to minister to our pain , help us put one foot in front of the other and make sense out of this nightmare is nothing short of miraculous. They shower their kindness upon us in so many ways and can appear in multitudes, bearing loving words and gestures. Some take on heavy lifting tasks such as helping with funeral arrangements, travel, & planning. Some don't appear until months or years later. Some know us well, some knew our child, some barely know us yet they feel 'called' to reach out.

The existence of these 'earth angels' was described beautifully to me while reading a passage written by a woman whose heart ached for a friend who lost her child. She grieved for her friend and described the role she wished to play in providing loving support. This 'earth angel' wrote the following:

"I've had a recurring 'vision' (if you want to call it that --it's just an image in my mind's eye) of the heart of a bereaved parent looking something like a bomb sitea place that was once thriving and responsible for the health and lives of many people, now suddenly and violently interrupted by a gaping, smoldering hole. The debris of life before the bomb is mixed in with a strong, deep root system--the parent/child bond. I think of myself, then, as a responder--someone who first comes to help supply immediate care and assistance--applying comfort and kindness and even material needs wherever I can, then to help sort through the debris (as needed and where possible), then to begin planting life and love and hope around the bomb site, then to cultivate what I plant and encourage its growth, so that over time it will interact with and enhance that deep root system of parental love that will always remain. Yet even in that "green" space, there needs to be some good, prime space set aside for a memorial--a place that is always quiet, sacred, and separated from the life that goes on and grows up around it. I think that's what we're supposed to do for our friends and family who grieve not only over the child that has passed, but also for the place in their hearts that was once part of a thriving system and is now a site of reflection and mourning." -Ann Bosworth

A responder. What an insightful and heartfelt description. I am thankful for the responders in my life. Some arrived on the scene when our tragic loss occurred. Some have arrived in the months following. I have faith they'll appear at intermittent times in the future because I believe in the power of light, goodness and love. Even in the endless darkness of tragedy…... we are offered light.

Visit Facebook: A New Journey, for quotes, links, and articles of hope regarding the loss of a child.
*Pictured: The Angel of Hope