Grief and the Holidays. Is Sadness Coming Down Your Chimney?

The holiday season ushers in twinkling lights, snowflakes falling, the gift of love, merrymakers, glitter and packages tied up with string...but for many, their 'favorite thing' is not a 'thing' at all.

Whether this is the first holiday season without your child, the second, third or tenth, it would not be unusual to collapse on the floor in the middle of the decor and find yourself in a pool of tears. There are many 'triggers' that can set off this response during the season of light.

All the positive thinking in the world does not mend a broken hearted loss. But, the active search for hope can help form perspective, remind us that there is so much more beyond this earthly existence, and help us through rough moments. The truth is, when we need to cry...we NEED to cry.

Like the walls of a dam restraining water, there are times when our flood gates need to open to relieve the pressure. For most, the gates of mourning open at regular intervals, releasing tears of love and loss. This is normal.

Be gentle with yourself this holiday season. There is no need to prove you are healed by putting bells on your toes and prancing like a reindeer. The following is a list of tips to help keep your season manageable.

Parent's 12 Reminders At Christmas:

1) Decorate a little or as much as you like. Your decision about how much to do will likely change throughout the years.

2) Remember to consider how your child would like you to spend the holidays, had they been here to give you their opinion.

3) Consider doing something in memory of your child, (like donating a gift or food to help a child or family in need) this holiday season.

4) Received cards with brag letters in them? Toss the letters and enjoy the picture on the front of the card.

5) Give. Give cookies, bread, tea, time to someone who has been there for you.

6) If your child is buried nearby, take a wreath, tiny tree, or choose a heartfelt 'gift' to take to your child's grave.

7) Read a book that helps your heart. (see reading list on the info page or choose a wonderful story you've been meaning to read)

8) Online shopping is stress free, easy, and removes you from the hustle and bustle. (most offer free shipping)

9) Outreach. One of the most healing things to do when we are hurting is to reach out. An organization in need or volunteers, your church, a hospital all need volunteers to help those who are sick, hungry and in need. The best way to receive is to give.

10) Forgive those who don't understand your pain. Hug those who do. Your perspective about life has likely changed since the loss of your child. Remember, that other's perspectives likely hasn't.

11) Suspend former traditions until you feel up to it again. Suspending means you have given yourself the permission to return to them at some time in the future.

12) Contemplate the reason for the season. Whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs, a spiritual journey has likely begun.

It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.

-Marsha Abbott

ATTITUDE Matters

Grief and attitude are two different things. It is important to distinguish between the two in order to begin taking steps toward a future after losing a child. Grief is the broken hearted place of loss, irreparable and empty. Attitude represents the way in which we take our loving memories and fill the cup of spiritual connection as we move along the altered path of our daily lives. -Grief Story(1)

Dr. Masaru Emoto has conducted thousands of experiments with water crystals showing that the mind's attitude affects how water crystallizes when frozen. In one example Dr. Emoto put water from the same source into two bottles. He wrote the words "You Fool" on a label and taped it to one of the bottles. He wrote the words 'Thank You' on a second label and taped that label to the second bottle.

Dr Emoto then froze the water from each bottle and photographed the crystals that were formed using a microscope and camera. The result was that the crystals formed from water taken from the bottle with "You Fool' on it were grotesque and misshapen. The crystals formed from water taken from the bottle with 'Thank You" written on it were beautiful and symmetrical, like snowflakes.

"We must assume it wasn't the printed words that influenced the water; it was the minds of the people who wrote and read the words. We know that because the symbols on the labels were just ink stains on a flat surface with no meaning except to people; the writer's and reader's minds created meaning from the ink marks." (2)

These experiments have now been performed many times using different sources of water and different treatments. In all circumstances, when a loving, compassionate, gentle attitude or melodious sound is focused on the water, beautiful crystals form when the water is frozen. When harsh, depressing, negative, hateful attitudes or cacophonous sounds are focused on the water, the frozen crystals are misshapen and grotesque.( see video of crystals and commentary)

Our minds influence our physical world. The journey we face after the loss of a precious child begins in a very dark place. This darkness can appear at various times throughout a day, a week, or an hour. Lighting a candle in our hearts to shed brightness into this cavern of darkness is a healing analogy synonymous with 'creating' our own beautiful crystal of thought; linking us to all that is good.

The energy of our soul communicates through vibration. Making time each day to foster positive loving thoughts will create beautiful crystals of connection and love. This is the definition of prayer/meditation.

Consider taking time to create a beautiful crystal of thought and send it to those you love both in heaven and on earth.
-Marsha

(1)Grief Story -excepts from personal journal
(2)Craig Hogan