Grief and the Holidays. Is Sadness Coming Down Your Chimney?

The holiday season ushers in twinkling lights, snowflakes falling, the gift of love, merrymakers, glitter and packages tied up with string...but for many, their 'favorite thing' is not a 'thing' at all.

Whether this is the first holiday season without your child, the second, third or tenth, it would not be unusual to collapse on the floor in the middle of the decor and find yourself in a pool of tears. There are many 'triggers' that can set off this response during the season of light.

All the positive thinking in the world does not mend a broken hearted loss. But, the active search for hope can help form perspective, remind us that there is so much more beyond this earthly existence, and help us through rough moments. The truth is, when we need to cry...we NEED to cry.

Like the walls of a dam restraining water, there are times when our flood gates need to open to relieve the pressure. For most, the gates of mourning open at regular intervals, releasing tears of love and loss. This is normal.

Be gentle with yourself this holiday season. There is no need to prove you are healed by putting bells on your toes and prancing like a reindeer. The following is a list of tips to help keep your season manageable.

Parent's 12 Reminders At Christmas:

1) Decorate a little or as much as you like. Your decision about how much to do will likely change throughout the years.

2) Remember to consider how your child would like you to spend the holidays, had they been here to give you their opinion.

3) Consider doing something in memory of your child, (like donating a gift or food to help a child or family in need) this holiday season.

4) Received cards with brag letters in them? Toss the letters and enjoy the picture on the front of the card.

5) Give. Give cookies, bread, tea, time to someone who has been there for you.

6) If your child is buried nearby, take a wreath, tiny tree, or choose a heartfelt 'gift' to take to your child's grave.

7) Read a book that helps your heart. (see reading list on the info page or choose a wonderful story you've been meaning to read)

8) Online shopping is stress free, easy, and removes you from the hustle and bustle. (most offer free shipping)

9) Outreach. One of the most healing things to do when we are hurting is to reach out. An organization in need or volunteers, your church, a hospital all need volunteers to help those who are sick, hungry and in need. The best way to receive is to give.

10) Forgive those who don't understand your pain. Hug those who do. Your perspective about life has likely changed since the loss of your child. Remember, that other's perspectives likely hasn't.

11) Suspend former traditions until you feel up to it again. Suspending means you have given yourself the permission to return to them at some time in the future.

12) Contemplate the reason for the season. Whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs, a spiritual journey has likely begun.

It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.

-Marsha Abbott

She's Gone. Is The Door Forever Locked?

The loss of a child catapults a parent into a dark sorrowful place. It is touted as the darkest loss of all. The journey through this darkeness occurs in small steps. Each parent, though unable to bring their child back, will be presented with choices along this road. As time progresses those choices will become more and more evident. -Marsha Abbott

I have been blessed with great joys. Through the birth of my two daughters I have had glimpses of heaven. I can attest to the life altering experience that birth bestows upon parent. The unalterable change in becoming, ‘less about you’ and more about something ‘much bigger’ than you. Some people call it growing up. Unlike most parents I also understand the raw and helpless despair of receiving a phone call that your daughter has been killed.

I am her mother. The tears I shed are for my aching loss and the loss for her father and sister. The loss of a future with her. As I kneel in church on Sunday my thoughts often spin. I am reminded that on a spiritual level my daughter still lives. Her soul and spirit will never die.

I feel her spirit, her presence and her love each day. There are no more daily phone calls from her, asking for recipe ideas, telling me about funny things that happened in the bakery where she was working, telling me stories about her new puppy, telling me she missed me, and asking about her dad and sister. Now I make the phone calls to her through meditation and prayer.

I am greatly challenged between the spiritual side of me, who recognizes that my daughter will always surround me and the ‘mama’ side,….who lost her sweet daughter and cannot fix it. Can grief be paralyzing? Yes. Sometimes it burns in my chest and screams to me “Your child has been ripped from your womb”. Such a unfixable gut wrenching vacancy. Memories of that little toddler with curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, a sippy cup and band aids on her knees flood my thoughts and flow through my tear ducts.

Often, I can feel her reaching out to me. I’ve become sensitive to signs that she is in my midst. I think about what she would want if she saw us grieving and horribly lost without her. I know she would want to comfort those who miss her so dearly. She would want her sister to know that she is okay and that her parents will be okay. She would want all of us to speak of her, share memories, be comforted, and seek happiness. I believe that when a child dies, a part of you dies too. We must redefine our lives and accept that our child has gone ahead of us in the wrong order. We were suppose to go first.

I believe that God represents the light and love of the world. He loves us enough to send our spirit into this world through the physical body to learn and to give others an opportunity to grow through our relationships with one another. We are here for a purpose. She was here for a purpose. Sometimes our purpose can be to assist others on their journey. When we return to the spiritual realm, we leave the physical body behind and continue to grow in love. We will meet again in the spiritual realm of the positive energy we call Heaven. This is what consoles my heart, and it is the reason I can give thanks and celebrate my earthly blessings; namely my family.

There is much more to our existence than this 3-dimensional earthly world. Many are believers and ‘some’ of us, through an unthinkable tragedy, are forced to accept that our worst fear has come true. Along with this ‘realization’ is the opportunity to further investigate the spiritual doors which may have been locked up until now. A large ring of keys has been given to those who have lost a child. The task lies ahead.


Marsha lost her 19 year old daughter in a gun accident, Sept '09. She maintains a Facebook wall titled A New Journey, for grieving parents. She also writes a blog titled, Bereavement For Breakfast. http://bereavement4breakfast.blogspot.com/

Part 3: Questions About Heaven And My Child

Part 3... The last of a series of entries which includes questions answered by a 'medium' about life in heaven. They are answered by Concetta Bertoldi, author and medium....

WHAT IS THE BENEFIT OF DISCOVERING THE TRUTH ABOUT THE OTHER SIDE?

Understanding that life goes on in spirit after our physical death does so many positive things for us. It heals us. It gives us peace, comfort, and knowledge to help us have better lives, learn lessons easier, live happier, and help others. It can inspire us to make changes that might be difficult because we know it really does matter. It's not just this one lifetime, the way we spend our energy has an unimaginable ripple effect in this world and the next over many lifetimes. Understanding is impportant on both sides of the veil. It affects the quality of our lives, the quality of our love, and the quality of our relationship now and always with God.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE LIVE TO AN OLD AGE AND OTHERS DIE YOUNG?

Well, first, of course, we all are going to die. When and how is part of our destiny, and I do believe that there are reasons for things that we might not understand. I do know that this question, especially when it concerns a younger person, creates such heartache on this side. People want to know why, which is a question to be answered on the Other Side. I definitely have many of my own 'why' questions that I'm sure I will be asking all my life, even though I know I won't get the answers until I cross home. Only God knows 'why'.

DO THE DEAD KNOW THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS HERE?

It's not that happiness has to be created in our lives. Happiness is our natural state. The difficulty is in ridding ourselves of what causes us unhappiness -- most of which is of our own doing and choosing.

You have to look at your life as if it has chapters. I was always happy. But at different times there were things going on that tried to break my happiness. It's really up to us to choose happiness. You can't expect anyone else to do it for you. We have the power to bring ourselves back after a big disappointment or a great loss. We have the power to choose.

*Note: These are the opinions of medium Concetta Bertoldi. These questions and answers are from her book, Do Dead People Watch You In The Shower. The books includes many questions/answers from across the spectrum. She consults regularly with member os Britain's royal family, American celebrities, politicians, and others. Her practice has a two-year waiting list. She lives in New Jersey with her husband.

From Marsha: I find it very moving that parents who have lost a child(ren) are open to so many points of view regarding life after death and ultimately non-judgemental with one another as they travel this road of heartbreak. I hope those in their lives (friends, relatives) can be as equally supportive. By the grace of God, we pray for healing and like the picture above, nothing can fill the hole in our hearts.

Please see the blog archive for Parts 1 & 2.