Grief and the Holidays. Is Sadness Coming Down Your Chimney?

The holiday season ushers in twinkling lights, snowflakes falling, the gift of love, merrymakers, glitter and packages tied up with string...but for many, their 'favorite thing' is not a 'thing' at all.

Whether this is the first holiday season without your child, the second, third or tenth, it would not be unusual to collapse on the floor in the middle of the decor and find yourself in a pool of tears. There are many 'triggers' that can set off this response during the season of light.

All the positive thinking in the world does not mend a broken hearted loss. But, the active search for hope can help form perspective, remind us that there is so much more beyond this earthly existence, and help us through rough moments. The truth is, when we need to cry...we NEED to cry.

Like the walls of a dam restraining water, there are times when our flood gates need to open to relieve the pressure. For most, the gates of mourning open at regular intervals, releasing tears of love and loss. This is normal.

Be gentle with yourself this holiday season. There is no need to prove you are healed by putting bells on your toes and prancing like a reindeer. The following is a list of tips to help keep your season manageable.

Parent's 12 Reminders At Christmas:

1) Decorate a little or as much as you like. Your decision about how much to do will likely change throughout the years.

2) Remember to consider how your child would like you to spend the holidays, had they been here to give you their opinion.

3) Consider doing something in memory of your child, (like donating a gift or food to help a child or family in need) this holiday season.

4) Received cards with brag letters in them? Toss the letters and enjoy the picture on the front of the card.

5) Give. Give cookies, bread, tea, time to someone who has been there for you.

6) If your child is buried nearby, take a wreath, tiny tree, or choose a heartfelt 'gift' to take to your child's grave.

7) Read a book that helps your heart. (see reading list on the info page or choose a wonderful story you've been meaning to read)

8) Online shopping is stress free, easy, and removes you from the hustle and bustle. (most offer free shipping)

9) Outreach. One of the most healing things to do when we are hurting is to reach out. An organization in need or volunteers, your church, a hospital all need volunteers to help those who are sick, hungry and in need. The best way to receive is to give.

10) Forgive those who don't understand your pain. Hug those who do. Your perspective about life has likely changed since the loss of your child. Remember, that other's perspectives likely hasn't.

11) Suspend former traditions until you feel up to it again. Suspending means you have given yourself the permission to return to them at some time in the future.

12) Contemplate the reason for the season. Whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs, a spiritual journey has likely begun.

It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.

-Marsha Abbott

Trying To Find My Holiday SMILE

Grief is a heavy emotion, one that brings energy to a very low position. It places a block around a survivor that makes it very hard for loved ones on the other side to penetrate.

When people are grieving they want more than anything to have some type of contact with a loved one who has passed. The problem is, they do not realize what they are doing is the exact opposite of what is needed. For a soul to be able to communicate with others, those people need to be at a higher level, which can be achieved with being positive. Once they are capable of searching for positive memories, positive thoughts, then a stronger connection can be made. (blogger's note: be cognisant of groups or situations in which the reoccurring theme is desperation, darkness,depression)

It is certainly natural to be heavy-hearted for ourselves when we are used to having a physical-to-physical relationship with someone, but once a person passes a new relationship begins - that of being physical-to-spirit. It is up to you how much you want to develop this relationship.

It is important to grieve, but the important thing is to search for happiness and positivity along the way. By doing so, you are lifting the heavy blanket of sadness away from you, allowing your loved ones on the other side (heaven) to connect with you in ways you never thought possible!
-by Patrick Mathews

Bereavement4Breakfast note: The Holiday season can be one of the most difficult for those who grieve the loss of a child. There is no sugarcoating or smiling that will make everything okay. Memories, the loss of a future, and heartache are constant companions. This piece, written by Patrick Mathews, is a perspective worthy of considering for those who feel their child's soul/spirit continues to live. The timeline in which grieving parents are ready to consider a point of view such is this is individual. Blessings to you this Holiday Season. -Marsha @ A New Journey