She's Gone. Is The Door Forever Locked?

The loss of a child catapults a parent into a dark sorrowful place. It is touted as the darkest loss of all. The journey through this darkeness occurs in small steps. Each parent, though unable to bring their child back, will be presented with choices along this road. As time progresses those choices will become more and more evident. -Marsha Abbott

I have been blessed with great joys. Through the birth of my two daughters I have had glimpses of heaven. I can attest to the life altering experience that birth bestows upon parent. The unalterable change in becoming, ‘less about you’ and more about something ‘much bigger’ than you. Some people call it growing up. Unlike most parents I also understand the raw and helpless despair of receiving a phone call that your daughter has been killed.

I am her mother. The tears I shed are for my aching loss and the loss for her father and sister. The loss of a future with her. As I kneel in church on Sunday my thoughts often spin. I am reminded that on a spiritual level my daughter still lives. Her soul and spirit will never die.

I feel her spirit, her presence and her love each day. There are no more daily phone calls from her, asking for recipe ideas, telling me about funny things that happened in the bakery where she was working, telling me stories about her new puppy, telling me she missed me, and asking about her dad and sister. Now I make the phone calls to her through meditation and prayer.

I am greatly challenged between the spiritual side of me, who recognizes that my daughter will always surround me and the ‘mama’ side,….who lost her sweet daughter and cannot fix it. Can grief be paralyzing? Yes. Sometimes it burns in my chest and screams to me “Your child has been ripped from your womb”. Such a unfixable gut wrenching vacancy. Memories of that little toddler with curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, a sippy cup and band aids on her knees flood my thoughts and flow through my tear ducts.

Often, I can feel her reaching out to me. I’ve become sensitive to signs that she is in my midst. I think about what she would want if she saw us grieving and horribly lost without her. I know she would want to comfort those who miss her so dearly. She would want her sister to know that she is okay and that her parents will be okay. She would want all of us to speak of her, share memories, be comforted, and seek happiness. I believe that when a child dies, a part of you dies too. We must redefine our lives and accept that our child has gone ahead of us in the wrong order. We were suppose to go first.

I believe that God represents the light and love of the world. He loves us enough to send our spirit into this world through the physical body to learn and to give others an opportunity to grow through our relationships with one another. We are here for a purpose. She was here for a purpose. Sometimes our purpose can be to assist others on their journey. When we return to the spiritual realm, we leave the physical body behind and continue to grow in love. We will meet again in the spiritual realm of the positive energy we call Heaven. This is what consoles my heart, and it is the reason I can give thanks and celebrate my earthly blessings; namely my family.

There is much more to our existence than this 3-dimensional earthly world. Many are believers and ‘some’ of us, through an unthinkable tragedy, are forced to accept that our worst fear has come true. Along with this ‘realization’ is the opportunity to further investigate the spiritual doors which may have been locked up until now. A large ring of keys has been given to those who have lost a child. The task lies ahead.


Marsha lost her 19 year old daughter in a gun accident, Sept '09. She maintains a Facebook wall titled A New Journey, for grieving parents. She also writes a blog titled, Bereavement For Breakfast. http://bereavement4breakfast.blogspot.com/

FORCED to view life differently...

-Selected remarks made by Sandy Wiltshire at the conclusion of her book, My Gift of Light. Her journey and search for meaning, after the loss of her daughter, was not only unique but interesting.

"In the book of life, every page has two sides; we human beings fill the upper side with our plans, hopes, and wishes, but providence writes on the other side, and what it ordains is seldom our goal.

Life after death will always remain a mystery to those on this side of the veil/heaven. I have learned, however,that connecting to loved ones who have crossed over to the other side can create hope at a time of greatest despair. The death of a loved one, especially the death of one of our children, forces us to search the depths of our souls for life's meaning. In the face of such devestating loss and heartache, we must devise new core values to live by.

As we search for answers, spirituality can provide a doorway to this understanding and to new hope. I know it changed my life, the way I view the world, as well as my belief system forever. (note: On her journey, Sandy learned/developed the ability to connect with her daughter. She utimately became a medium and helps grieving parents connect with their children.)

We must confront our grief, learn how to move through it, and eventually embrace the truth that because of our loss, we are forever changed. We become so transformed by the work of grieving that we awaken to the fact that events or possessions that used to be important to us no longer are. Our once-ordered life is in chaos. As a result, we open ourselves to self-exploration.

The death of a child is a death out of the natural order. As Kim's mother, I obviously expected to die before she did. The emptiness, tortuous pain, and disillusionment with life that resulted felled me. As I have repeatedly said, the magnitude of my loss turned my entire life - and my belief system - upside down. Once the natural order had been torn apart, I had no choice but to discover a new way to look at the world - a way that would return me to well-being and, someday, happiness. I chose spirituality as one of the avenues to pursue, to make sense of this sudden and devastating loss.

I take comfort in knowing we never truly stop living and that what we on the earth plane call 'death' is anything but. My understanding is that we take our characteristics, habits, and memories with us. In spirit, we are free to develop our souls. We continue to grow, remember, and love - both here on earth as well as on the other side/heaven.

My wish is that by sharing my very personal journey with you, it will aid you on your own path as it twists and turns through your loss and grief. It takes a great deal of courage to find your way back into life. You will never be the way you were before, but you will learn to live with your loss and regain your abilities to function and be happy.


My I remind you to be gentle with yourself as you look for solace. You must allow yourself to express your feeling of grief. It is important to talk about your loss, your feelings of emptiness, your anger and pain. All these emotions are a normal part of the grieving process.

I believe that our children and other loved ones on the other side of life will help us to find our way if we allow them to. The bonds of love are never severed. Love is what enables and maintains the links between our two worlds."
-Excerpts taken from My Gift Of Light by Sandy Wiltshire

Note from Marsha: I have read Sandy's book twice. The first time through (5 months ago) the whole idea of 'mediums' was an unusual thing for me. A lot has changed in my thinking since that time, hence I picked up the book again to read for a second time. This time many more things stood out for me. I believe in the connection and have pursued it.