SORROW and Expected Recovery

"If the present moment threatens to remain permanently barren, then sorrow can easily turn into despair." -Kurt Laughlin

Can anyone really expect to recover from the tragedy of losing a child, considering the value of what was lost and the consequences of that loss?

Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same.

There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever that future is, it will, and must include the pain of the past with it.

Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper.

But this depth of sorrow is the sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul. It does not have to be morbid and fatalistic. It is not something to escape but something to embrace. Sorrow indicates that people who have suffered loss truly understand the emotional anguish of others who feel pain.

Sorrow enlarges the soul until the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the world's pain and hoping for the world's healing at the same time.

Deep sorrow often has the effect of stripping us of pretense, vanity, and waste. It forces us to ask questions about what is most important in life. It causes us to look around us and develop an intense appreciation for those in our lives who strive to connect with us, who on a deep level understand this most basic loss.

Suffering can lead to a simpler life, less cluttered with non-essentials. It is wonderfully clarifying. That is why many people who suffer sudden and severe loss often become transformed. Loss invites us to ask basic questions about ourselves. "What do I believe?". "What has happened to my child?" It strips away the 'bumpers of life' that formerly ricocheted us away from subjects we didn't want to fully consider and allows us to crash headlong into deep introspection.

"I'm not sure we ever recover from such a loss, but we have been given an opportunity to see life from a new perspective. It will require a type of sacrifice of believing that, however painful our losses, life can and will still be good, but good in a new way. I lost the world I loved and I hope to gain a new purpose in life. I seek, through time, to clarify that purpose. For my son, I promise to begin that journey."

Grief and the Holidays. Is Sadness Coming Down Your Chimney?

The holiday season ushers in twinkling lights, snowflakes falling, the gift of love, merrymakers, glitter and packages tied up with string...but for many, their 'favorite thing' is not a 'thing' at all.

Whether this is the first holiday season without your child, the second, third or tenth, it would not be unusual to collapse on the floor in the middle of the decor and find yourself in a pool of tears. There are many 'triggers' that can set off this response during the season of light.

All the positive thinking in the world does not mend a broken hearted loss. But, the active search for hope can help form perspective, remind us that there is so much more beyond this earthly existence, and help us through rough moments. The truth is, when we need to cry...we NEED to cry.

Like the walls of a dam restraining water, there are times when our flood gates need to open to relieve the pressure. For most, the gates of mourning open at regular intervals, releasing tears of love and loss. This is normal.

Be gentle with yourself this holiday season. There is no need to prove you are healed by putting bells on your toes and prancing like a reindeer. The following is a list of tips to help keep your season manageable.

Parent's 12 Reminders At Christmas:

1) Decorate a little or as much as you like. Your decision about how much to do will likely change throughout the years.

2) Remember to consider how your child would like you to spend the holidays, had they been here to give you their opinion.

3) Consider doing something in memory of your child, (like donating a gift or food to help a child or family in need) this holiday season.

4) Received cards with brag letters in them? Toss the letters and enjoy the picture on the front of the card.

5) Give. Give cookies, bread, tea, time to someone who has been there for you.

6) If your child is buried nearby, take a wreath, tiny tree, or choose a heartfelt 'gift' to take to your child's grave.

7) Read a book that helps your heart. (see reading list on the info page or choose a wonderful story you've been meaning to read)

8) Online shopping is stress free, easy, and removes you from the hustle and bustle. (most offer free shipping)

9) Outreach. One of the most healing things to do when we are hurting is to reach out. An organization in need or volunteers, your church, a hospital all need volunteers to help those who are sick, hungry and in need. The best way to receive is to give.

10) Forgive those who don't understand your pain. Hug those who do. Your perspective about life has likely changed since the loss of your child. Remember, that other's perspectives likely hasn't.

11) Suspend former traditions until you feel up to it again. Suspending means you have given yourself the permission to return to them at some time in the future.

12) Contemplate the reason for the season. Whatever your beliefs or non-beliefs, a spiritual journey has likely begun.

It's Christmas In Heaven,
So I've heard them say,
Yet, Christmas In Heaven
Happens every day.

-Marsha Abbott

Trying To Find My Holiday SMILE

Grief is a heavy emotion, one that brings energy to a very low position. It places a block around a survivor that makes it very hard for loved ones on the other side to penetrate.

When people are grieving they want more than anything to have some type of contact with a loved one who has passed. The problem is, they do not realize what they are doing is the exact opposite of what is needed. For a soul to be able to communicate with others, those people need to be at a higher level, which can be achieved with being positive. Once they are capable of searching for positive memories, positive thoughts, then a stronger connection can be made. (blogger's note: be cognisant of groups or situations in which the reoccurring theme is desperation, darkness,depression)

It is certainly natural to be heavy-hearted for ourselves when we are used to having a physical-to-physical relationship with someone, but once a person passes a new relationship begins - that of being physical-to-spirit. It is up to you how much you want to develop this relationship.

It is important to grieve, but the important thing is to search for happiness and positivity along the way. By doing so, you are lifting the heavy blanket of sadness away from you, allowing your loved ones on the other side (heaven) to connect with you in ways you never thought possible!
-by Patrick Mathews

Bereavement4Breakfast note: The Holiday season can be one of the most difficult for those who grieve the loss of a child. There is no sugarcoating or smiling that will make everything okay. Memories, the loss of a future, and heartache are constant companions. This piece, written by Patrick Mathews, is a perspective worthy of considering for those who feel their child's soul/spirit continues to live. The timeline in which grieving parents are ready to consider a point of view such is this is individual. Blessings to you this Holiday Season. -Marsha @ A New Journey

She's Gone. Is The Door Forever Locked?

The loss of a child catapults a parent into a dark sorrowful place. It is touted as the darkest loss of all. The journey through this darkeness occurs in small steps. Each parent, though unable to bring their child back, will be presented with choices along this road. As time progresses those choices will become more and more evident. -Marsha Abbott

I have been blessed with great joys. Through the birth of my two daughters I have had glimpses of heaven. I can attest to the life altering experience that birth bestows upon parent. The unalterable change in becoming, ‘less about you’ and more about something ‘much bigger’ than you. Some people call it growing up. Unlike most parents I also understand the raw and helpless despair of receiving a phone call that your daughter has been killed.

I am her mother. The tears I shed are for my aching loss and the loss for her father and sister. The loss of a future with her. As I kneel in church on Sunday my thoughts often spin. I am reminded that on a spiritual level my daughter still lives. Her soul and spirit will never die.

I feel her spirit, her presence and her love each day. There are no more daily phone calls from her, asking for recipe ideas, telling me about funny things that happened in the bakery where she was working, telling me stories about her new puppy, telling me she missed me, and asking about her dad and sister. Now I make the phone calls to her through meditation and prayer.

I am greatly challenged between the spiritual side of me, who recognizes that my daughter will always surround me and the ‘mama’ side,….who lost her sweet daughter and cannot fix it. Can grief be paralyzing? Yes. Sometimes it burns in my chest and screams to me “Your child has been ripped from your womb”. Such a unfixable gut wrenching vacancy. Memories of that little toddler with curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, a sippy cup and band aids on her knees flood my thoughts and flow through my tear ducts.

Often, I can feel her reaching out to me. I’ve become sensitive to signs that she is in my midst. I think about what she would want if she saw us grieving and horribly lost without her. I know she would want to comfort those who miss her so dearly. She would want her sister to know that she is okay and that her parents will be okay. She would want all of us to speak of her, share memories, be comforted, and seek happiness. I believe that when a child dies, a part of you dies too. We must redefine our lives and accept that our child has gone ahead of us in the wrong order. We were suppose to go first.

I believe that God represents the light and love of the world. He loves us enough to send our spirit into this world through the physical body to learn and to give others an opportunity to grow through our relationships with one another. We are here for a purpose. She was here for a purpose. Sometimes our purpose can be to assist others on their journey. When we return to the spiritual realm, we leave the physical body behind and continue to grow in love. We will meet again in the spiritual realm of the positive energy we call Heaven. This is what consoles my heart, and it is the reason I can give thanks and celebrate my earthly blessings; namely my family.

There is much more to our existence than this 3-dimensional earthly world. Many are believers and ‘some’ of us, through an unthinkable tragedy, are forced to accept that our worst fear has come true. Along with this ‘realization’ is the opportunity to further investigate the spiritual doors which may have been locked up until now. A large ring of keys has been given to those who have lost a child. The task lies ahead.


Marsha lost her 19 year old daughter in a gun accident, Sept '09. She maintains a Facebook wall titled A New Journey, for grieving parents. She also writes a blog titled, Bereavement For Breakfast. http://bereavement4breakfast.blogspot.com/

Joy? What Joy? My three letter word is WHY?

Is is possible to find joy after the death of a child? Kathleen O'Hara writes about that 3-letter word in her book, A Grief Like No Other.

Joy is an elusive quality, one everyone seems to want but few people have. Often, joy comes only after the struggle, not before. It is not something you can buy or borrow, but rather something that comes directly out of pain and sorrow.

Joy is the sister of hope. Joy follows the long labor of childbirth; it is springtime after the harsh winter and eternity after the brief breath of life.

For those who have survived the death of a child, the jackals indeed roam. Our lives are desolate and our hearts are sick. How can we be joyful when such awful things have happened to us and those we love?

An even greater tragedy would be to allow the loss to keep us from joy; then truly, it has destroyed us. Even if you do not feel joy now, believe that, in the future it will come, but you must allow it.
-Written by Kathleen O'Hara

Blogger's note: This passage is a hard one to swallow after such devestating loss. It haunts me because there is a part of my heart and soul that says, "Life has been irreparably altered. I can't fix this by skipping around like a school girl searching for 'joy' and all of her cheery friends." True. It is unfixable and I'm not looking for a bandaid. For me, the deeper meaning relates to the choices I make. Each and every day I can choose to look at what my daughter would want for me to do and open myself up to little pieces of joy or I can turn my back on what she would want and live in the darkness that so willingly befriended me. My choice is to be 'open' to the possibility. I think that is good enough for now.
-Marsha

Feeling Slammed by God and the Universe?

-Article by Barbara Rose regarding searching for solace in the midst of catastrophe.

As you look around you, perhaps you are one of the people who feel you have been slammed by the universe. Some may feel as I used to - God? What God? How could any God let this happen?

Your pleas and feelings are understandable, but they are not, however, the end of your journey. You will come to know how to achieve solace again, some measure of understanding to ease the torturous pain.

I have been there, too. When injustice felt like a perpetual life in purgatory every day. How did I come out of the shackles of the deepest despair? I wanted to know truth. I wanted to know "why" and I wrote a letter directly to God asking "Why?"

Much to my amazement, I received an answer that immediately lifted the pain. The crushing sorrow that I had come to call my daily existence was suddenly lifted. I received the higher perspective that took the place of how I was viewing the tragedy in my life.

I want this for you, too. If you are feeling shell shocked, as if your heart and soul have been blasted apart and ripped out of your chest, this is the best time to write a letter to whoever or whatever name you give to the must pure spiritual source in the universe - the source of that 'still small voice.' I call that God, and it is crucial that you get in touch with the highest spiritual truths that are behind desperate tragedy so you can come back to life and live again.

I know what it feels like to feel like a breathing corpse. I can promise you that all that is required for you to receive answers that will bring you solace is your deep desire to receive those answers.

Your request for knowledge and understanding must come from the deepest place in your heart.

Humanity cries for the loss of life, and yet what many have not fully integrated into daily knowledge is that when a person leaves this physical life, and crosses over to the other side, they are vibrantly ALIVE again!

If your loved on is on the other side, call out to him! Speak to her. Our loved ones can hear us, they actually visit us, even though we cannot physically see them because they are no longer in a physical body, but their soul, their essence, their consciousness and ALL of the love they feel for you is just as alive as you are right now.

From lifetime to lifetime we experience despair. We do not remember all we have undergone in our prior lifetimes. We do not remember learning so many lessons. This is the lifetime to bridge the gap between human catastrophe and spiritual truth.

Nothing happens in this universe that is void of energy. It is the loving energy in your heart that desires understanding that will receive exactly what you need, you just have to be willing to do so.

Receiving answers from God is far from any sort of special ability. You have been receiving answers throughout all of your life. The inner nudges that guide you to do this or that, to call or write, only for the other person to say, "I was just thinking about you!"

Our energy is felt by our loved ones no matter how near or far away they are. Whether they are on the opposite end of the earth or on the other side, our loved ones love for us remains eternal.

Take out a pen and paper and write Dear ____ (whatever name you give to God, Source, Holy Spirit) and ask from the depths of your heart what you need to know in order to feel your deepest grief lifted.

I have worked with clients whose children passed on. Understandably, they were barely alive themselves. Filled with pain that was torturous at best, they received answers, and they came back to life from the inside out.

If this process did not work, if it was not the time for you to experience this process, you would not be reading this right now. It is time for you to receive answers to your questions. Now, all you need to do is ask, and then listen within your mind to the words that flow into your mind, and write down every word verbatim. Censor nothing. Write down every word that flows into your mind. Then re-read what you wrote. When you experience actually receiving answers that are simple, yet profoundly life enhancing, please share this process with anyone who is suffering that is open to this.

It is pure. You deserve answers. Humanity must transform from the current catastrophic perspective. Those whose children have just crossed over to the other side, their children are ALIVE on the other side. Please let this view or perspective into your consciousness, because it is truth.

We all have so much more in common as a human race than our differences lead us to believe. Our hearts share the same feelings. It is time for your heart to finally know inner peace. Ask the questions with a pure heart. Listen within for the words that flow into your mind. Write down every word, then see how you feel after you have received the higher perspective. I care deeply that you feel understanding, as that is the conscious foundation of inner peace.

Barbara Rose, Ph.D. is the best selling author of thirteen books including If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer!

Resources for Grieving Parents: A New Journey (information on the left margin of blog)

Bill Cosby and Pat Schweibert write about Loss...

Parents share a universal loss when their child dies. Though written as 'childrens' books, these messages are worthy for all ages. Bill Cosby also released a jazz album, Hello Friend: To Ennis With Love, to honor the memory of his son. The road to hope is filled with memories.

Tear Soup (written by Pat Schweibert), a recipe for healing after loss, is a family story book that centers around an old and somewhat wise woman, Grandy. Grandy has just suffered a big loss in her life and so she is headed to the kitchen to make a special batch of Tear Soup.

There she chooses the size pot that is right for her loss, and she puts on her apron because she knows it's going to be messy. And then Grandy starts to cry. At first she weeps, then she sobs, eventually she wails.

Slowly the pot is filled with tears as the old woman steeps away. To season her soup Grandy adds memories like the good times and the bad times, the silly and the sad times. She does not want to forget even one precious memory of her loss.

Tear Soup recognizes and reinforces the fact that every member of the family from the youngest to the oldest will grieve in their own way. Taking their own time and in doing so, find those things which help them best.

Essentially, we each make our own batch of Tear Soup when we grieve the loss of our child. Comedian, Bill Cosby, wrote a children's book called Friends of a Feather to honor the memory of his son Ennis. Ennis was murdered when he stopped to help a motorist on the side of the road.

Cosby wrote the book about friendship, loss and pain. He asked his daughter to do the artwork and wanted the bird, Feather, to have a 'smile' on it's breast to remind Bill of Ennis' smile. Artistically hidden, the smile radiates joy. -Marsha Abbott
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Reading: A form of bibliotherapy on the journey through loss and pain.

Rock Star Eric Clapton Talks About Losing His Son

We live our lives assuming the daily tasks, chores and encounters will be the high or lowlights of the day. Our personal challenges occupy our thoughts and convince us that these are the greatest difficulties we'll encounter. When the phone rings with news that our child has died those previous difficulties melt away and we realize we never knew the true meaning of difficulty or loss..... Musician Eric Claption discusses the loss of his son Conor.

ERIC CLAPTON has recalled the heartache of losing his son CONOR in his new autobiography, revealing he had taken the four-year-old to the circus the night before he fell to his death from his mother's New York apartment. Clapton, who penned classic ballad Tears In Heaven after the 1991 tragedy, spent the night before his son's death enjoying his first father-son outing alone with Conor.

After taking the boy home, the rocker admits he was swelled with confidence as a father and decided he wanted to spend more one-on-one time with his son when he was in New York. In Eric Clapton: The Autobiography, Clapton writes, "The following morning I was up early, ready to walk crosstown from my hotel to pick up (Conor's mother) Lori (del Santo) and Conor to take them to the Central Park Zoo...

"The phone rang and it was Lori. She was hysterical, screaming that Conor was dead. I thought to myself, 'This is ridiculous. How can he be dead?' and I asked her the silliest question, 'Are you sure?' "And then she told me that he'd fallen out of the window. She was beside herself. Screaming. I said, 'I'll be right there.'" Conor had fallen 49 stories from a high-rise window.

In his memoirs, Clapton also recalls the horror of having to identify his son at the morgue. He adds, "Whatever physical damage he had suffered in the fall, by the time I saw him they had restored his body to some normality. "As I looked at his beautiful face in repose, I remember thinking, 'This isn't my son. It looks a bit like him, but he's gone.'"
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Link to hear song: Clapton wrote the song Tears In Heaven in memory of his son.

Sportswriter Frank Deford Writes Memoir Of His Daughter

Sportswriter and National Public Radio and television commentator Frank Deford wrote Alex, a memoir of his daughter, who died at the age of eight. (From Alex: The Life Of a Child)

I am not a nihilist or sourpuss now that Alex is dead. I still laugh and love, marvel at the wonders of humanity and praise God for His. Neither, though, am I any wiser or stronger - and certainly no better - for what I went through. People assume you must be better for the experience, but I don't see why that must follow.

Neither must you necessarily abandon your Faith. However, you do lose something every bit as important, for when your child dies, you yourself are robbed of that childish sanity that makes it tolerable to accept growing old. I don't see the incongruity of life so well anymore, because my child's death is an incongruity in itself. A capricious world is much easier to deal with than the disordered one I have been forced to inhabit.

I do find one solace. Now that it is Alex who is dead (and not me), I really don't worry anymore about my own death. Oh sure, when the plane bumps about I gasp and grab the armrest and pray fervently that it will not plunge thirty-seven thousand feet and leave me in a number of charred little bits and pieces. I would not care for that at all. But you can have an adorable little girl, and she up and dies, then a number of rules seem changed, including those of death itself. I can't be frightened to follow Alex. I am not. I mean, first, strictly from a selfish point of view, dying is the only way I can possibly be with her again. But beyond that, Alex has, in her way, reduced all my normal maunderings about God and the hereafter to one terribly simple proposition. If there is a heaven - must be a heaven -great. If not, if this incredible little person spent eight years on this earth, only to completely disappear, poof, like that, then it is all quite pointless, all a gag, and it is of no great consequence to me whether or not I'm asked to participate in life as straight man or comic.

You lose a child and are brought to your knees. From that vantage point there is a lot to consider that you may not have considered before. And what better place to be than on your knees when you begin that process.

Death of Eisenhower's Firstborn Child

Eisenhower adored his firstborn child, Doud Dwight, nicknamed "Icky". When Ike was stationed at Fort Meade, Icky was a mascot for the soldiers When four year old Icky died, leaving his parents grief-stricken, Mamie once said, "It was as if a shining light had gone out of Ike's life. Throughout all the years that followed, the memory of those bleak days was a deep inner pain, that never seemed to diminish much." Ike sent Mamie flowers every year on Icky's birthday. Thirty-five years later, Ike wrote the following in a letter of consolation to his brother Edgar when Edgar's forty-year-old son Jack died.

From the Papers Of Dwight David Eisenhower: The Presidency

It is, of course difficult to understand why so often the oldsters go on and on into their eighties and nineties, while the younger more vigorous men are cut down in their youth. There is no way to explain it except that is is one of the accidents of living. It happens with the trees and the birds and everything that grows. No individual can have any possible explanation, and therefore it is one of those things which must be accepted and absorbed into the philosophy that a man develops as he goes along.

In spite of all this...I know this it is hard for you to take, yet you owe it to those still around you- your wife, your daughter and your grandchildren - to provide an example that is characterized by hope, faith and optimism. Pessimism, cynicism and defeat will destroy Jack's legacy.

This sounds like preaching - and possibly it is. My justification is that I lost a son of my own many years ago - then only one we had. To this date it is not an easy thing to deal with when it come fresh to my memory but it is something that I had to learn to accept or to go crazy.
-Dwight D. Eisenhower.

When The Angel Of Death Comes For Your Child

First Responders On The Scene.....
-Marsha Abbott

When the Angel of Death taps the shoulder of our child, the world stops turning. The phone call delivering incomprehensible news and a one-way ticket to the darkest depths of existence, hurls our senses into a state of shock and disbelief.

In that surreal state we are often surrounded by 'earth angels' who arrive to comfort and care for us. Whether they are friends or family, their ability to minister to our pain , help us put one foot in front of the other and make sense out of this nightmare is nothing short of miraculous. They shower their kindness upon us in so many ways and can appear in multitudes, bearing loving words and gestures. Some take on heavy lifting tasks such as helping with funeral arrangements, travel, & planning. Some don't appear until months or years later. Some know us well, some knew our child, some barely know us yet they feel 'called' to reach out.

The existence of these 'earth angels' was described beautifully to me while reading a passage written by a woman whose heart ached for a friend who lost her child. She grieved for her friend and described the role she wished to play in providing loving support. This 'earth angel' wrote the following:

"I've had a recurring 'vision' (if you want to call it that --it's just an image in my mind's eye) of the heart of a bereaved parent looking something like a bomb site—a place that was once thriving and responsible for the health and lives of many people, now suddenly and violently interrupted by a gaping, smoldering hole. The debris of life before the bomb is mixed in with a strong, deep root system--the parent/child bond. I think of myself, then, as a responder--someone who first comes to help supply immediate care and assistance--applying comfort and kindness and even material needs wherever I can, then to help sort through the debris (as needed and where possible), then to begin planting life and love and hope around the bomb site, then to cultivate what I plant and encourage its growth, so that over time it will interact with and enhance that deep root system of parental love that will always remain. Yet even in that "green" space, there needs to be some good, prime space set aside for a memorial--a place that is always quiet, sacred, and separated from the life that goes on and grows up around it. I think that's what we're supposed to do for our friends and family who grieve not only over the child that has passed, but also for the place in their hearts that was once part of a thriving system and is now a site of reflection and mourning." -Ann Bosworth

A responder. What an insightful and heartfelt description. I am thankful for the responders in my life. Some arrived on the scene when our tragic loss occurred. Some have arrived in the months following. I have faith they'll appear at intermittent times in the future because I believe in the power of light, goodness and love. Even in the endless darkness of tragedy…... we are offered light.

Visit Facebook: A New Journey, for quotes, links, and articles of hope regarding the loss of a child.
*Pictured: The Angel of Hope